Thinner

Jenny Craig ain't got nothing on this jam. Forget counting calories, or points, or working out - ALL you have to do to fit into those skinny jeans is run over an old Gypsy lady with your car and wait for her pissed-off family to curse you.

Only Stephen King could make losing weight easily into a creepy story. His next book should be about someone getting a raise...they don't deserve! Nightmares-ville.

4 new belt notches out of 5.

Caribou Island and Friend of the Family - A Sad Suburban Twofer

First of all, why yes - these pictures are very different sizes. And it means nothing.

Moving on...two reviews in ONE. Both of these books deal with sad, suburban, middle-aged couples and their sad offspring. Alright one of those couples lives in remote Alaska, I guess that's not technically a suburb. But then where did Sarah Palin come from, I ask ye?!

Anyway, sad people, complicated relationships, before you know it there's a dead baby and someone is brandishing a bow and arrow like a crazy person! Blood everywhere! No caribous though! They're busy dealing with their own dysfunctional caribou family matters! I assume.

I don't know, you guys. Is there such thing as a happy suburban middle-aged family novel? Ugh that sounds boring. Although I hold my parents up as prime examples of that and once a bird flew out of our fireplace THROUGH a fire and my mom had to chase it around the living room. There's your next NY Times bestseller right there!

Neither of these books is bad, really, but I can't say I'd recommend either of them. Unless you are feeling too happy, or something - then go ahead.

2.5 loaded silences across a Pottery Barn dining room table out of 5.

The Keep

I don't know...at first it was all, "YES git dem Nazis!" because who doesn't smile at the thought of asshole Nazis being terrified by some supernatural beastie? I mean, I'm a pacifist but if SOMEONE has to get torn to shreds by an inhuman ghoul, yes, go ahead and make that person a Nazi.

But then there's some romance and some dueling and mystical foes and the whole thing started to feel pretty generic. Oh well, it awakened my blood-lust for killin' Nazis, I guess. That's like, step 1 in a 12-step program to becoming Indiana Jones' soulmate, right? And you know I am down with that.

2.5 severed Nazi limbs out of 5.