An Analysis of the Books I Read in 2013 aka Nerd Alert VI

Books read: 63

• Average # of books read/month: 5.25
• Non-fiction: 12 (19%)
• Fiction:  51 (81%)
• YA Fiction: 4 (6%)
• Books by male authors: 35 (55%)
• Books by female authors: 27 (43%)
• Disliked (0-2 out of 5): 14 (22%)
• Ambivalent about/sort of liked (2.5-3 out of 5): 13 (20%)
• Actively enjoyed (3.5-5 out of 5): 36 (57%)
• Re-reads: 5

By Genre:

• Sci-Fi/Fantasy: 10
• Apocalyptic/Post-Apocalypse/Dystopia: 7
• Horror: 9
• Graphic novels: 3
• Mystery/Thriller: 8
• Poetry: 0
• Historical Fiction: 0
• Western: 1
• Short story collections/Anthologies: 4
• Contemporary fiction: 2
• Politics: 0
• Science/Medical: 1
• History: 0
• Humor: 2
• True Crime: 0
• Religion: 0
• Psychology: 0
• Biography/Autobiography/Memoir: 4
• Classics: 0
• Romance/Shitty Erotica: 2

Books that got a Perfect Score:

• Them by Jon Ronson
• The Age of Miracles by Karen Walker Thompson
• Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry
• As I Am by Patricia Neal
• The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch

Compared to 2012:

• 5 more books read than last year! Aiming for at least 70 in 2014. What else am I going to do, have a baby?! LAY OFF, MOM! 
• I read way less non-fiction this year, but the true stories I did pick up I really enjoyed. Quality over quantity? 
• I read twice as much YA fiction - which truthfully makes less & less sense as a category these days. I've read YA stories that were much more sophisticated than the average novel "for adults," and plenty of contemporary novels explore the rich themes of adolescence. Basically, what I'm saying is: don't label me, man! I reject your box! Fight the patriarchy & save the whales. 
• I disliked way more books - womp womp. But I had a lot of 5s & 4.5s as well, many of them unexpected. What surprised me this year was how much I didn't like some books that got rave reviews & hype, like The Shining Girls & Divergent. Can't everybody just love the books that I love? Where is the three-movie adaptation of Lonesome Dove starring Jennifer Lawrence as Lorena and Zac Efron as Jake Spoon?* 
• I re-read a ton of books this year. I turned 30 and sought out the comforts of my past. And/or I was just a little lazy. 
• This is truly a year befitting of a nerd alert: I mostly read genre fiction. If you don't have a dragon, I'm not interested. Fun fact: that was also my pick-up line in college. HEY-OH!

Notes & Superlatives:

• Repeated authors: Jon Ronson, Scott Lynch, Michael Crichton, Leigh Bardugo, Stephen King. Should Stephen King just get some sort of Repeated Author Emeritus status so I don't have to keep repeating him? Michael Crichton's were all re-reads, because I saw Jurassic Park when it came back into theaters and DINOSAURS. 
• Authors I discovered this year and will be checking out further: Scott Lynch**, Leigh Bardugo, Kate Atkinson, Adam Johnston, & Robert Sheckley. I got my eyes on you, people! Don't disappoint me. Well, Sheckley is dead...but the rest of you - PRODUCE.
• Favorite book of 2013 (Fiction): Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry. A beautiful & epic doorstop of a novel. Someone please make me a t-shirt that says "Gus McCrae is my Homeboy" so I can honor this wonderful masterwork the only way my generation knows how: a pre-shrunk poly-cotton blend. Very close runner-up would be The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnston. If Lonesome Dove is the Great American Novel, we can call it the Great North Korean Novel (Dear Leader may object, but tough beans).
• Favorite book of 2013 (Non-Fiction): Them by Jon Ronson. Jon Ronson could write about the history of the loom*** and it would be fascinating, so it's no surprise he wrote an interesting book about people who think the world is run by disguised lizard people, among other oddballs. 
• Least Favorite book of 2013: R.L. Stine, let's go back to Fear Street, far far away from the laughable evil ghost Irish laser-eyed children of Red Rain. The sex scenes you wrote in this, your first and hopefully last book for adults, were deeply uncomfortable. I truly hated this book, the recipient of the sole 0 rating I gave all year. Let us never speak of it again.
• Most Fun Book of 2013: The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch. Capers! Cons! Derring-do! SO much derring done. This book has everything: hybrid fruits, sexy shark fighters, and false mustaches.  Everything. 
• Author I read in 2013 that I Most Want to Hang Out With: Patricia Neal, please come back to life and call me up. We can dish about G. Coops and that asshole Roald Dahl, and we can drink dry martinis and you can tell me funny stories about your early days in theatre (pronounced "the-ah-TUH," naturally). You are a delight.
• Saddest book of 2013: Wave, by Sonali Deraniyagala. The kind of sad story that is almost unfathomable to process. Kiss your loved ones right this minute. Honorable mention goes to the story "Last Contact" by Stephen Baxter, because it came out of nowhere and floored me with the feels. 
• Scariest book of 2013: None of the myriad horror books I read or re-read this year really creeped me out. And TWO of them involved torturing/murdering little kids! What's wrong with me? I'm on a list somewhere, aren't I? Anyway, instead of those logical choices, the story I keep coming back to is "Law of Survival," by Nancy Kress. There was something so deeply unsettling about her tale of mysterious, unknowable alien invaders and their demands of the protagonist and her charges. Aliens, dude. I want to believe...but I don't, you know? 

I am about to embark on a trip that involves roughly 50 hours of plane travel, so I will do my best to tear away from the in-flight entertainment (they have ALL of the Toy Story movies on demand! I am a child) and chomp into the first books I have queued up for 2014. Every year I write this wrap-up and I remember the experiences I had reading and it's amazing how rich they are - I remember discussions I had about the books, feelings & memories they brought up, ideas they sparked, and even where I was and what was happening in my life when I read certain passages. I truly cannot imagine a life without reading, and I can honestly say that people who get by without it puzzle and confound me. So here's hoping for dozens of indelible experiences in 2014, each one a signpost helping to fix a fleeting moment. Take a look, it's in a book. Seriously. It's ALL IN A BOOK, PEOPLE. ALL OF IT. 

Cheers & luvs. 

*This would make a billion dollars! Why is no one making this? 

**I love you, Locke Lamora. Oh my god: another character to be played by Zac Efron! I have mentioned Zac Efron too much, haven't I? Noted.

***Don't worry, I looked it up and I am now aware that the history of the loom is actually mildly interesting. Stop writing your angry emails. 

The Orphan Master's Son

This one is a doozy. It feels like historical fiction, because everything about North Korea's oppressive regime seems like something that should no longer exist in the world. It feels like satire, or parody, for the same reasons. It's almost reminiscent of Catch-22 in some parts...but then you stop reading and start Googling to get more information on North Korea and...you stop smirking. Quickly.

What Adam Johnson has written is a sweeping tragic romance /adventure story; a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel that explores what might be lost by people living in a society where every intimacy is suspect and self-expression is a dangerous endeavor. And imagines what they might be able to hold onto, despite it all. It took me a few chapters to get into it - I almost felt a little culture shock. But by the half-way point, I couldn't put it down. The story of Jun Do, an orphan, wanders improbably from nefarious missions to fishing boats to Texas (!) to prison camps...and that's just the first half. Johnson never loses the thread, and his characters are beautifully and hauntingly realized. Even when inserting a real-life figure into his fiction, it's done skillfully and naturally enough that you don't find yourself raising your eyebrows and saying 'Hey! That guy!' (aka The Forrest Gump effect).

Read this book. Go where it takes you. Learn more - and consider a donation. Feel all the things!

4.5 Dear Leaders out of 5.

The Age of Miracles

Sometimes I like to read the 1-star Amazon reviews given to the books I love.

"This book is too much like The Road."

Oh, okay, is this book too much like another GREAT BOOK? How *annoying* for you.

"It's depressing."

Um, yeah, the rotation of the earth has slowed and it's wreaking havoc on the earth and the main character is coming-of-age with a dysfunctional family during this tumultuous time. Sorry it wasn't enough like an ABC Family Movie starring Melissa Joan Hart, GOD GO BACK TO YOUR READER'S DIGEST.

"Sorely lacking in miracles."

Oh man - this person is going to be super angry when they read Life of Pi ("sorely lacking in mathematical constants"), Catcher in the Rye ("sorely lacking in hearty grains"), Trainspotting ("sorely lacking in looking at trains"), or any other book where the title is not a literal representation of the body of the book. I mean, is there even Twilight in Twilight? I don't know, and please - don't tell me. All I'm saying is, this person needs to check themselves.

I guess I am feeling a bit protective, because what is not to love about an actual original apocalyptic/disaster situation merged with a bittersweet coming of age tale? This book reminded me a lot of Meg Rosoff's great YA novel, How I Live Now. Growing up is such a terrifying ordeal in itself, so maybe seeing disasters and world-changing events through the eyes of tweens & teens somehow makes for a more interesting story: It's just one more shitty thing happening to them.

5 very confused migrating birds out of 5.

A Day No Pigs Would Die

This book is my personal no-cry challenge, and I fail every single time. It's about young Rob Peck saving a cow, getting a pig, and BECOMING A MAN. His dad is Haven Peck: the illest Shaker farmer/butcher in all of 1920s Vermont. Dear old Dad is illiterate, but that doesn't stop him from dropping mad knowledge bombs all over the place like steaming cow patties:

• "That's what being a man's all about, boy. It's just doing what has to be done." Haven, I'm all OVER this ish - you need a cow milked, I will milk that cow for you - or preferably whatever the urban equivalent is (latte run?).
• "Dying is a dirty business. Like being born." You're talking about poop, right? On second thought, let the details remain a mystery. Gross coming in, gross going out - got it.
• "Never miss a chance...to keep your mouth shut." Um, okay, this is good advice but I tend to favor the Real Housewives philosophy over the Shaker one in my own personal interactions: "She who out-yells everyone wins - but save some insults for the confessional." To each their own, Have. 

I'm sure you're intrigued already, and I haven't even mentioned the adorable pig named Pinky and the fact that uptight moms are constantly trying to have this book banned (banned books are the best books, obviously). Even if you're not into reading about porcine-boy friendships (WEIRDO), any time you need to feel again just grab a saline-stained copy and ride this novella to Tear Town, population: YOU. Better than a really good episode of Oprah, I promise you.

5 cow goiters out of 5 disgusting cow goiters. 

Caribou Island and Friend of the Family - A Sad Suburban Twofer

First of all, why yes - these pictures are very different sizes. And it means nothing.

Moving on...two reviews in ONE. Both of these books deal with sad, suburban, middle-aged couples and their sad offspring. Alright one of those couples lives in remote Alaska, I guess that's not technically a suburb. But then where did Sarah Palin come from, I ask ye?!

Anyway, sad people, complicated relationships, before you know it there's a dead baby and someone is brandishing a bow and arrow like a crazy person! Blood everywhere! No caribous though! They're busy dealing with their own dysfunctional caribou family matters! I assume.

I don't know, you guys. Is there such thing as a happy suburban middle-aged family novel? Ugh that sounds boring. Although I hold my parents up as prime examples of that and once a bird flew out of our fireplace THROUGH a fire and my mom had to chase it around the living room. There's your next NY Times bestseller right there!

Neither of these books is bad, really, but I can't say I'd recommend either of them. Unless you are feeling too happy, or something - then go ahead.

2.5 loaded silences across a Pottery Barn dining room table out of 5.