1. This sentence.
2. The obituary section of your local paper.
3. My last grocery list (Oooh...zucchini).
4. A seventh grade essay on Of Mice & Men.
5. The Obamacare bill.
6. The lyrics to Justin Bieber's opus, "Baby" (Baby baby baby ooh baby).
7. A note that reads "Will you go to Prom with me? Check yes or no."
8. The book of Leviticus.
9. An itemized check from a nice dinner out.
10. Box scores from a baseball game.
11. That crude piece of graffiti scrawled on the wall by your house.
12. Comments on YouTube videos.
13. Kirk/Spock slash.
14. The letters from readers published in People Magazine ("Thank you for such a nice piece on Jennifer Aniston!")
15-50. Everything. EVERYTHING.
Alright, I ran out of steam a bit there. But I still had more steam than the limp brained protagonist Anastasia Steele (ugh) and her robotic and laughably verbose suitor Christian Grey (UGH).
This book is so bad. Which, we knew it would be, right? WRONG. It is so much worse than you could imagine. Housewives of America! Step away from the washing machine and put down this book! If you are really craving some poorly written smut lacking any plotting or character development, may I introduce you to something called pornography? Look it up.
E.L. James, I am now dumber for having read your book. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
0 "steely grey eyes" out of 5.
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