Slow Apocalypse

"If you like reading maps, you'll *love* Slow Apocalypse!"

"Slow Apocalypse...emphasis on the sl-o-o-o-ow!"

"Like a 12 hour Michael Bay movie...in book form!"

All of those tag-lines went through my head while slogging through this interminable apocalypse. It's a neat concept for an apocalypse (an agent is introduced to the world's oil and renders it useless - wait is that even a neat concept? Oh god I don't even know what's good or not anymore damn you Varley!) rendered in a mind-numbing way. It's set in Los Angeles and no one can fault Varley for not doing his research - the map tag-line refers to passages like this:

"They went south through the pass on West Cahuenga Boulevard. At the beginning of Mulholland Drive they crossed over the freeway because Dave wanted to see the state of Lake Hollywood, which, along with Castaic Lake...*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Sorry,  I fell asleep before finishing that excerpt. Here is another excerpt, less boring only because of its baffling improbability:

"He had a wide smile and a face weathered prematurely, was of average height, but looked very strong. He introduced himself as an associate professor of governmental studies at Cal State, Long Beach."

MAYBE that is a dull but innocuous way to introduce a character. But - bear with me here - after this oil crisis has gripped the world, after Los Angeles was hit with a devastating earthquake and subsequent fires, after law & order has disintegrated to the point where armed gangs and packs of ferocious dogs are roaming your neighborhood, maybe, just MAYBE you would realize someone (coming down from standing an armed watch, mind you!) introducing themselves "as an associate professor of governmental studies" is not something a goddamned human being would EVER do.

Sorry, I am clearly upset. I have 450+ pages of L.A. nouns running on a constant loop through my head ("LACMA...I-10...Olympic...Naomi Street....Laurel Canyon...Canoga Park! HELP ME!"). And, at one point the protagonist's bratty teenage daughter refers to Frederick's of Hollywood as 'Whores R' Us' and I find that needlessly judgmental and also watch your mouth young lady.

If the apocalypse has any redeeming qualities, excitement should be one of them. Do not read this book.

1 conversation at a party with someone telling you their 'great idea for a novel!' that you can't. Get. Out. Of. Out of 5.

P.S. I finished writing this review and turned to the front of the book and saw the dedication: "This Los Angeles book is dedicated to our Los Angeles friends." And that's why you always read the dedication.