Double Down

No, not the sandwich you DOLT. Though I did become queasy several times during the experience, which I'd imagine is a quality the book shares with the Colonel's penultimate creation. My stomach flip-flopped every time the book described:

• Joe Biden swearing (that was a happy queasy though - the quease of joy)
• Donald Trump tweeting a vague reference to Obama's African birthplace 
• Mitt Romney furrowing his brow and wondering why the American people don't like him, like a reverse Sally Field*
• Meat Loaf performing at a GOP rally wearing a "sweat-soaked black poncho"

Unfortunately, the real quease and cheese of the 2012 elections was given short shrift in this non-fiction narrative. There was no mention of the workout pics mocked round the world; an unforgivable omission that I feel I need to share here in order to make things right:

"In retrospect, the hat was a mistake"

Rick Perry's brokeback moment was also passed over, as was Herman Cain's "I Am America" ad featuring cigarette smoke blown directly into the camera. Sure, we got the behind the scenes scoop on Newt's moon base and Clint Eastwood's ramblings with an empty chair,** but I craved more. Call it the Buzzfeed effect if you will, but I wanted list after list featuring hits like "Michelle Bachmann's top stress-fueled eye twitches." And hey, I'm all about skewering both sides. I would have also accepted "5 shady political ads that straight-up accuse Mitt Romney of murdering people" or "10 times Uncle Joe put his entire foot and most of one leg in his mouth."

Maybe it's because the 2008 elections felt more like a triumph, and the 2012 elections more like a slog. For everyone - obviously my political leanings are evident, but neither side really shined in 2012. It was as mendacious and mean-spirited as an episode of House of Cards. All I wanted was more of the absurd and amusing, because the actual day-by-day was too depressing.

Halperin & Heilemann are still great writers and their insider access is unparalleled, so it's not as if the story wasn't told well. For me, it just turned out to be a story I didn't really feel like revisiting all that much.

3 regal whinnies from Rafalca out of 5.

*Reverse Sally Field may also be a figure skating move; I think the gold medalist at Sochi nailed one 
**Fun fact: he didn't prepare at all and came up with that ten minutes before going on stage, inspired by a Neil Diamond song. Level of fucks given = none.