Double Down

No, not the sandwich you DOLT. Though I did become queasy several times during the experience, which I'd imagine is a quality the book shares with the Colonel's penultimate creation. My stomach flip-flopped every time the book described:

• Joe Biden swearing (that was a happy queasy though - the quease of joy)
• Donald Trump tweeting a vague reference to Obama's African birthplace 
• Mitt Romney furrowing his brow and wondering why the American people don't like him, like a reverse Sally Field*
• Meat Loaf performing at a GOP rally wearing a "sweat-soaked black poncho"

Unfortunately, the real quease and cheese of the 2012 elections was given short shrift in this non-fiction narrative. There was no mention of the workout pics mocked round the world; an unforgivable omission that I feel I need to share here in order to make things right:

"In retrospect, the hat was a mistake"

Rick Perry's brokeback moment was also passed over, as was Herman Cain's "I Am America" ad featuring cigarette smoke blown directly into the camera. Sure, we got the behind the scenes scoop on Newt's moon base and Clint Eastwood's ramblings with an empty chair,** but I craved more. Call it the Buzzfeed effect if you will, but I wanted list after list featuring hits like "Michelle Bachmann's top stress-fueled eye twitches." And hey, I'm all about skewering both sides. I would have also accepted "5 shady political ads that straight-up accuse Mitt Romney of murdering people" or "10 times Uncle Joe put his entire foot and most of one leg in his mouth."

Maybe it's because the 2008 elections felt more like a triumph, and the 2012 elections more like a slog. For everyone - obviously my political leanings are evident, but neither side really shined in 2012. It was as mendacious and mean-spirited as an episode of House of Cards. All I wanted was more of the absurd and amusing, because the actual day-by-day was too depressing.

Halperin & Heilemann are still great writers and their insider access is unparalleled, so it's not as if the story wasn't told well. For me, it just turned out to be a story I didn't really feel like revisiting all that much.

3 regal whinnies from Rafalca out of 5.

*Reverse Sally Field may also be a figure skating move; I think the gold medalist at Sochi nailed one 
**Fun fact: he didn't prepare at all and came up with that ten minutes before going on stage, inspired by a Neil Diamond song. Level of fucks given = none.

An Analysis of the Books I Read in 2013 aka Nerd Alert VI

Books read: 63

• Average # of books read/month: 5.25
• Non-fiction: 12 (19%)
• Fiction:  51 (81%)
• YA Fiction: 4 (6%)
• Books by male authors: 35 (55%)
• Books by female authors: 27 (43%)
• Disliked (0-2 out of 5): 14 (22%)
• Ambivalent about/sort of liked (2.5-3 out of 5): 13 (20%)
• Actively enjoyed (3.5-5 out of 5): 36 (57%)
• Re-reads: 5

By Genre:

• Sci-Fi/Fantasy: 10
• Apocalyptic/Post-Apocalypse/Dystopia: 7
• Horror: 9
• Graphic novels: 3
• Mystery/Thriller: 8
• Poetry: 0
• Historical Fiction: 0
• Western: 1
• Short story collections/Anthologies: 4
• Contemporary fiction: 2
• Politics: 0
• Science/Medical: 1
• History: 0
• Humor: 2
• True Crime: 0
• Religion: 0
• Psychology: 0
• Biography/Autobiography/Memoir: 4
• Classics: 0
• Romance/Shitty Erotica: 2

Books that got a Perfect Score:

• Them by Jon Ronson
• The Age of Miracles by Karen Walker Thompson
• Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry
• As I Am by Patricia Neal
• The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch

Compared to 2012:

• 5 more books read than last year! Aiming for at least 70 in 2014. What else am I going to do, have a baby?! LAY OFF, MOM! 
• I read way less non-fiction this year, but the true stories I did pick up I really enjoyed. Quality over quantity? 
• I read twice as much YA fiction - which truthfully makes less & less sense as a category these days. I've read YA stories that were much more sophisticated than the average novel "for adults," and plenty of contemporary novels explore the rich themes of adolescence. Basically, what I'm saying is: don't label me, man! I reject your box! Fight the patriarchy & save the whales. 
• I disliked way more books - womp womp. But I had a lot of 5s & 4.5s as well, many of them unexpected. What surprised me this year was how much I didn't like some books that got rave reviews & hype, like The Shining Girls & Divergent. Can't everybody just love the books that I love? Where is the three-movie adaptation of Lonesome Dove starring Jennifer Lawrence as Lorena and Zac Efron as Jake Spoon?* 
• I re-read a ton of books this year. I turned 30 and sought out the comforts of my past. And/or I was just a little lazy. 
• This is truly a year befitting of a nerd alert: I mostly read genre fiction. If you don't have a dragon, I'm not interested. Fun fact: that was also my pick-up line in college. HEY-OH!

Notes & Superlatives:

• Repeated authors: Jon Ronson, Scott Lynch, Michael Crichton, Leigh Bardugo, Stephen King. Should Stephen King just get some sort of Repeated Author Emeritus status so I don't have to keep repeating him? Michael Crichton's were all re-reads, because I saw Jurassic Park when it came back into theaters and DINOSAURS. 
• Authors I discovered this year and will be checking out further: Scott Lynch**, Leigh Bardugo, Kate Atkinson, Adam Johnston, & Robert Sheckley. I got my eyes on you, people! Don't disappoint me. Well, Sheckley is dead...but the rest of you - PRODUCE.
• Favorite book of 2013 (Fiction): Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry. A beautiful & epic doorstop of a novel. Someone please make me a t-shirt that says "Gus McCrae is my Homeboy" so I can honor this wonderful masterwork the only way my generation knows how: a pre-shrunk poly-cotton blend. Very close runner-up would be The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnston. If Lonesome Dove is the Great American Novel, we can call it the Great North Korean Novel (Dear Leader may object, but tough beans).
• Favorite book of 2013 (Non-Fiction): Them by Jon Ronson. Jon Ronson could write about the history of the loom*** and it would be fascinating, so it's no surprise he wrote an interesting book about people who think the world is run by disguised lizard people, among other oddballs. 
• Least Favorite book of 2013: R.L. Stine, let's go back to Fear Street, far far away from the laughable evil ghost Irish laser-eyed children of Red Rain. The sex scenes you wrote in this, your first and hopefully last book for adults, were deeply uncomfortable. I truly hated this book, the recipient of the sole 0 rating I gave all year. Let us never speak of it again.
• Most Fun Book of 2013: The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch. Capers! Cons! Derring-do! SO much derring done. This book has everything: hybrid fruits, sexy shark fighters, and false mustaches.  Everything. 
• Author I read in 2013 that I Most Want to Hang Out With: Patricia Neal, please come back to life and call me up. We can dish about G. Coops and that asshole Roald Dahl, and we can drink dry martinis and you can tell me funny stories about your early days in theatre (pronounced "the-ah-TUH," naturally). You are a delight.
• Saddest book of 2013: Wave, by Sonali Deraniyagala. The kind of sad story that is almost unfathomable to process. Kiss your loved ones right this minute. Honorable mention goes to the story "Last Contact" by Stephen Baxter, because it came out of nowhere and floored me with the feels. 
• Scariest book of 2013: None of the myriad horror books I read or re-read this year really creeped me out. And TWO of them involved torturing/murdering little kids! What's wrong with me? I'm on a list somewhere, aren't I? Anyway, instead of those logical choices, the story I keep coming back to is "Law of Survival," by Nancy Kress. There was something so deeply unsettling about her tale of mysterious, unknowable alien invaders and their demands of the protagonist and her charges. Aliens, dude. I want to believe...but I don't, you know? 

I am about to embark on a trip that involves roughly 50 hours of plane travel, so I will do my best to tear away from the in-flight entertainment (they have ALL of the Toy Story movies on demand! I am a child) and chomp into the first books I have queued up for 2014. Every year I write this wrap-up and I remember the experiences I had reading and it's amazing how rich they are - I remember discussions I had about the books, feelings & memories they brought up, ideas they sparked, and even where I was and what was happening in my life when I read certain passages. I truly cannot imagine a life without reading, and I can honestly say that people who get by without it puzzle and confound me. So here's hoping for dozens of indelible experiences in 2014, each one a signpost helping to fix a fleeting moment. Take a look, it's in a book. Seriously. It's ALL IN A BOOK, PEOPLE. ALL OF IT. 

Cheers & luvs. 

*This would make a billion dollars! Why is no one making this? 

**I love you, Locke Lamora. Oh my god: another character to be played by Zac Efron! I have mentioned Zac Efron too much, haven't I? Noted.

***Don't worry, I looked it up and I am now aware that the history of the loom is actually mildly interesting. Stop writing your angry emails. 

Lonesome Dove

This book is like a stew. BEAR WITH ME PEOPLE! This is going somewhere.

Day 1 of stew: This stew is okay. It's stew - what do you want me to say? It's simple and it's filling.

Day 2 of stew: Sure, this stew isn't fancy. But I was working as a professional business lady all day and it's nice to be able to heat up a comforting bowl for dinner.

Day 3 of stew: This stew keeps getting better & better. All the flavors are coming together. Stew - you keep surprising me! I am glad I have a giant tub of you in the fridge.

Day 4: What a long day. I am glad I have you, Stew. You are coziness personified. You are like an old friend.

Day 5: STEW THERE IS ONLY ONE BOWL OF YOU LEFT! I'm not ready to say goodbye! At the beginning you felt like you would last forever...but I see now how short-sighted I was. *single tear*

Day 6: There is no more stew. RIP Stew. I'm sorry I took you for granted in the beginning. I could make you again, but it won't be the same as the first time. Goodbye. Goodbye...forever. *sobs*

Additional notes on Lonesome Dove that don't fit into a stew metaphor (believe me, I tried):

• Fantastic character names. Pea Eye! Newt! Dish! Soupy! Dang, now I feel like I probably could have worked those names into a stew metaphor. Lazy, Jane!
• The dialog is amazing enough to make you want to slip snippets of it into your own conversations. This will result in an uncomfortable silence when you're on a conference call at work with your New York office about the Q4 budget and you say, "I doubt it matters where you die...but it matters where you live."
• This is the type of novel that is rightly described as "epic," and an "opus." Epic & Opus would also be acceptable character names in a Larry McMurtry novel, I think.

5 grizzly bear fighting bulls out of 5.