American Vampire Vol. 1 & 2 - a Bloody Books Twofer

This graphic novel series is begging to be made into an HBO show. True Blood x Deadwood + Boardwalk Empire/Girls. Okay, maybe not that last one, unless vol. 3 is set in 21st century Brooklyn. Actually, how has no one done a hipster vampire show yet? That's my idea now, I call dibs.

Skinner Sweet is a wild west outlaw who becomes the 'American Vampire' - the first of a new breed, he can walk in the sunlight, and he sure as hell doesn't glitter when he does. Vampires have had a reputation problem over the past few years. Remember when they were scary? Before Twilight turned them into players in a weird pro-abstinence teen romance? This series goes a long way to undoing that damage and reclaiming the idea of a vampire as something terrifying & grotesque. No one is swooning over Skinner Sweet, I promise.*

4 super-sized orders of garlic bread out of 5.

*And if you read them and find that you are, you need to look at your life. Look at your choices! Girl. *smh*

UFOs

Oh. My. GOD. Let me just say that I believe everything I read, and am also easily frightened, so I should have not picked up this book. But I did, because I enjoy having thoughts like "Can't let my leg fall over the side of the bed because the ALIEN WILL GRAB IT!"

This book will tell you all about the hundreds of sightings by people who know the difference between the reflection of Venus/swamp gas/weather balloons/balloon boys, and actual crazy metal cigar-shaped light-up hyperfast hovering ALIEN SPACE CRAFT. Aiiieeeee they're here and they're going to probe us.

Does Obama know? Does FLOTUS know? Flotus save us! Dazzle the aliens with your sparkle converse and sick dance moves while Barack herds us into the secret bunkers under the Rocky Mountains!

4 tinfoil hats out of 5.

Hell House

Hey, let's go spend the week at this place called Hell House. Sure, it's called Hell House, but it's a really nice mansion and this old guy will pay us some money if we stay there for a week. Don't let the name Hell House freak you out! Haha, yeah the windows are all bricked up, that's weird. I think the last people who lived in HELL HOUSE were kind of eccentric. What's that? Murders? Insanity?

Oh yeah, maybe that happened...

...Hey, look how much air I can get jumping on these great feather beds! At HELL HOUSE! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

3 groping disembodied hands out of 5.