Caribou Island and Friend of the Family - A Sad Suburban Twofer

First of all, why yes - these pictures are very different sizes. And it means nothing.

Moving on...two reviews in ONE. Both of these books deal with sad, suburban, middle-aged couples and their sad offspring. Alright one of those couples lives in remote Alaska, I guess that's not technically a suburb. But then where did Sarah Palin come from, I ask ye?!

Anyway, sad people, complicated relationships, before you know it there's a dead baby and someone is brandishing a bow and arrow like a crazy person! Blood everywhere! No caribous though! They're busy dealing with their own dysfunctional caribou family matters! I assume.

I don't know, you guys. Is there such thing as a happy suburban middle-aged family novel? Ugh that sounds boring. Although I hold my parents up as prime examples of that and once a bird flew out of our fireplace THROUGH a fire and my mom had to chase it around the living room. There's your next NY Times bestseller right there!

Neither of these books is bad, really, but I can't say I'd recommend either of them. Unless you are feeling too happy, or something - then go ahead.

2.5 loaded silences across a Pottery Barn dining room table out of 5.

The Keep

I don't know...at first it was all, "YES git dem Nazis!" because who doesn't smile at the thought of asshole Nazis being terrified by some supernatural beastie? I mean, I'm a pacifist but if SOMEONE has to get torn to shreds by an inhuman ghoul, yes, go ahead and make that person a Nazi.

But then there's some romance and some dueling and mystical foes and the whole thing started to feel pretty generic. Oh well, it awakened my blood-lust for killin' Nazis, I guess. That's like, step 1 in a 12-step program to becoming Indiana Jones' soulmate, right? And you know I am down with that.

2.5 severed Nazi limbs out of 5.

Bossypants

Do you want to know if your new lady acquaintance is a potential best friend? Ask her if she thinks she would be friends with Tina Fey, IRL.* If she responds with "Dude if Tina Fey knew me we'd totally be best friends!" then you know she is cool enough to maybe be your biff. Tina Fey: The New Litmus Test for Assessing Friendship Potential.

This book is so great. So great and funny. I especially enjoy the chapter on Tina's dad, Don Fey, who my grandfather would have probably wanted to be best friends with. SEE - it's genetic.

You know what's weird? I have a great for reals best friend and she kind of looks like Tina Fey. And she says Liz Lemon-y things like "I'm terrified that someone might be crying in the Starbucks I'm working in right now. ROBOT NO WANT EMOTION."

Life is great.

5 terrifying man arms out of 5.

*In Real Life. As opposed to fantasy life, where you are TF are already best friends who solve mysteries together and are heiresses to an ice cream fortune. And Amy Poehler is there too, naturally.

The Emperor of All Maladies

Remember in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold says "It's not a too-mah!"? This book is a point-by-point rebuttal of that statement proving that, most likely, it is a tumor.

You'll learn a lot, you'll cry, you will not laugh, you'll come face to face with your own mortality...

Be prepared to spend some time feeling for lumps and bumps after reading, is all I'm saying.

3.5 irregular moles out of 5.

Secret Historian

How do you not pick up a book subtitled "professor, tattoo artist, and sexual renegade"? I kind of want that on my tombstone (but I'll probably end up with "reader, eater of kettle corn, bad dancer").

Samuel Steward taught at a Catholic university, wrote gay pulp fiction, documented all of his sexual encounters, became a tattoo artist, and had "encounters" with Rock Hudson and Rudolph Valentino - AND MORE. And not in that order. His life was full of sadness and passion and craziness and sailor uniforms (so many sailor uniforms!). He had a tattoo of a winged penis on his shoulder. DUDE. Dude.

Do not read this book on public transportation, because you WILL get to the insert with the photos in the middle. Not safe for work or bus.

Samuel Steward aka Phil Sparrow aka Phil Andros - RIP. You crazy bitch.

4 gay sailors out of 5.

Life

I love Keith Richards. The man is basically a walking pickle, at this point. But that pickle has some great stories! I skipped some of the in-depth descriptions of chord progressions and musical arrangements - get to the scandals, Keef! Even the scandals were kind of sweet sounding when described in Keith's "aw shucks, I guess there was some heroin involved but man no one got hurt and, you know, it was the 70s, man" way.

4 bottles of Jack Daniels out of 5 - chased with a line of coke.

The Call of Cthulhu and Other Weird Stories

I love horror fiction (erm, as opposed to horror non-fiction? Like Glenn Beck books? Anyway...) but I have been derelict in my reading of the original "weird fiction" writer, HP Lovecraft. I knew as much about him as I knew about other famous HP's (HP Steak Sauce and HP Laptop That Always Overheats), so I decided to pick up this little collection. I enjoyed it - quaintly creepy (like Precious Moments figurines!) and with a lot of evocative descriptions of slimy drippy huge gross monstrous things.

Things to avoid in life, according to HP LC:
1. Musty odors. To survive in one of his stories, remember this helpful rule: If the odor is musty, your old timey bicycle best not be rusty! Because you should drive away thusly!
2. Odd geometry. If the structure be crazy, don't be lazy! Because you should get away, baby!
3. New England farmhouses. UNLESS you are antiquing. I have no rhyme for this. The rhymes were a mistake.

Three and a half extraneous "h"'s out of five.