The Walking

I have a love/hate relationship with horror novels.  When a book is so unsettling that you change your movements in the physical world, that’s love:  when you have to jerk your foot up onto the bed so nothing grabs it, when you have to look over your shoulder, when you have to put the book in the freezer.  I feel like novelists who can produce those moments are some of our greatest talents – as opposed to the movies, when a jump scare is enough to get the blood pumping, readers need to be crept up on and slowly worked into unsettling paranoia. Sadly, a lot of horror novelists lean more toward the cheap thrills of B-list horror cinema than the sublime creepiness of a well-crafted spooky story. I hate feeling like I just waded through a schlocky soup of blood & guts – pages of gory, cartoonish description might put my off my lunch slightly, but they aren’t really scary.  

Bentley Little, according to this story of mysterious deaths ( and even more mysterious posthumous behavior), falls in the middle of the spectrum. There were some unsettling passages and creative visuals, but the cheesy gore seemed to drive the plot, instead of punctuate it. And, speaking of plot, it’s never a good sign when, in an effort to illuminate the twists & turns of the story, one of the characters has to say “sometimes there just isn’t an explanation.” NO. TRY AGAIN. That’s not even a Deus Ex Machina, that’s…a Deus Ex Quicquid. Stephen King, don't you ever betray me with a cover quote like that again. Throwing some side-eye at you too, ghost of Bram Stoker.

In sum: I did not put this book in the freezer. I kept it on my nightstand and slept soundly and restfully with my limbs splayed over the edge of the bed & the window wide open. Horror fail. 

2 overly-gratuitous Saw sequels out of 5 (I heard the first one is pretty good but I can’t see it – too scary!) 

Zone One

Oh this book is great. Zombie novel-y enough to keep a buffoon like me entertained, but smart enough to make me feel smug reading it on the subway. In other words, this book is like:

• Donuts accompanied by 18 year old Glenfiddich
• Watching an amusing and, yet, incredibly moving and poignant Pixar movie. So, all of them, except Cars & Cars 2 (the headlights should be the eyes! The headlights!)
• Spending all afternoon reading Star magazines at the nail salon while getting a super classy French manicure
• Taking B.S. college classes like Pop Culture Studies where the homework is watching The Simpsons.

Read this book and fall in love with the Zombie novel again! I bet that quote makes the back cover of the paperback edition, mark my words.

4 out of 5 metaphors showing us that WE ARE THE ZOMBIES omg my liiiiiiiiife!

A Dance with Dragons

Awwwwww yisss. I was 21 when A Feast for Crows came out, y'all. In a perfect world, I would have still been sleeping off my 21st birthday hangover when A Dance with Dragons was published. Instead I had to wait SIX GODDAMNED YEARS to figure out what the hell happened to Tyrion after he

*SPOILER ALERT*

Killed his own damn father with a crossbow to the gut. SIX YEARS of not knowing what kind of shit sandwich Jon Snow and Stannis were slapping together up on a wall of 700 motherfreaking feet of ICE. GODDAMN IT. SIX YEARS OF NO DRAGONS.

*Deep breath*

Ok, I'm over it. I respect the process. I realize this isn't so much a review as a nerdgasm word vomit rage cloud so let me throw out some key takeaways:

• You should probably start from the beginning and read Game of Thrones, immediately. THEN watch the HBO series. The HBO series is not a substitute for reading the first book. What is this, high school English?! Read first, enjoy Sean Bean later. Trust.
• This book has plenty of Tyrion being Tyrion, don't worry. I know, I told you not to watch the HBO show instead of reading, but all I see is Dinklage now when reading Tyrion's POV - and it's great. The world needs more Dinklage.
• The dragons have gone from adorable to scary - these are not your adorable neighborhood Pixar-like beasts. Plenty of face-melting going on.
• Daario is kind of annoying, no? Just me? I can't get behind a blue-haired sexy person - I am picturing him so emo. Maybe like a medieval Pete Wentz?
• The main point I took away from this part of the series is that being in charge kind of sucks. Undead foes can especially complicate things. Obama - take notes!
• If we have to wait 5+ years for the next book I will be very, very sad. If I can get knocked up, give birth, and have the kid potty-trained and talking before you write the next book - that's too long, George. That's not my plan, by the way - but the point still stands.
• If it doesn't have a map at the beginning, 25 pages of ridiculously complicated family trees at the end, and an entire WIKI to tide you over in between books; then, honey, it ain't an epic series.

4 deliciously armor-clad Sean Beans out of 5. FOR THOSE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS & SEEN THE SHOW THAT IS A CRAZY IRONIC SCORE.

Damn it, seriously - when is the next one coming out?

The Living Dead 2

Zombies are best enjoyed in short bursts. There's only so much gore and running and watching a loved one get bit that can happen before you get bored. When the real zombie apocalypse happens am I going to yawn and go back to bed? If guess I only have myself to blame for o.d.'ing on zombie fiction if so. Quality ghouls over quantity! Which is kind of funny when you're talking about zombies.

P.S. This collection does have the distinction of containing the most disgusting story I have ever read. It is about a zombie gigolo. It was entered into a disgusting story competition and did not win. I never want to read the story that did.

2 rotting limbs out of 5.