SPEED ROUND: Dawn, The Nao of Brown, No Proper Lady, N0S4A2, The Shining, and The Collector

I'm still here! Don't you. Forget about me. Don't don't don't don't. Stuff your stockings with these lil' reviews.

Dawn by Octavia Butler. Original and thoughtful - if you enjoy your sci-fi devoid of laser guns, you might like it. In many ways it's a meditation on what makes us human. Is it our minds? Our genes? The presence of other humans? Also includes some freaky-deaky alien/human sex-like stuff, if that's your thing...yeah, we've ALL seen your browsing history! J'accuse! 3 gropey tentacles out of 5.

 

The Nao of Brown by Glyn Dillon. Another thoughtful one - a graphic novel focused on a young woman named Nao as she struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and explores her Buddhist faith. It's so easy to rip through graphic novels in one sitting; this one made me slow down a bit. The artwork is gorgeous as well. 4 existential appliances out of 5.

No Proper Lady by Isabel Cooper. Thank you, beloved e-reader, for allowing me to read this without sharing that mortifying cover art to the world. Because girl needs a new tattoo artist and a better weave, mmakay? This one is fun, though slightly disorienting - you're about three sentences in before demons! Time travel! Spells! Just roll with it. It's basically the plot of Terminator but with more sexyness (I know, how is that even possible?! And yet). 3 terrible boardwalk henna tattoos out of 5.

N0S4A2 by Joe Hill. Vampires not included. But that's okay - I didn't enjoy this as much as Hill's other works but the creep factor was still out of control. No blood suckers needed. I felt it lost a little momentum, and could have used some editing; especially around the third act. But you will never look at Christmas or vintage gas masks the same way again. Joe Hill, must you creepify everything I hold dear?! 3 vanity license plates guaranteed to get you pulled over out of 5.

The Shining by Stephen King. Since I read Dr.Sleep I decided it was time for a re-read. What more is there to say about this gem - if you've only seen the movie you know NOTHING, Jon Snow. Not in any way my favorite King novel, but the ending especially is so different from Kubrick's film it's absolutely worth reading. Also you will FINALLY understand that creepy scene with the dude in the dog suit. Like his son (↑), King ruins so many wonderful things in his novels. Read this one if you want to be frightened of topiary animals and those concrete tube things at playgrounds. You should probably stay out of those tubes, anyway - you're a grown man, for God's sake! 4 drinks with Lloyd out of 5.

The Collector by John Fowles. If you only read one "Lady kidnapped and kept like a weird pet" novel this year....read another one! Probably Room by Emma Donoghue. This one is ostensibly a classic but it's so detailed and has all these meditations on class differences in Britain that go on, and on - you're the one who will end up feeling trapped! Ba-doom-pssh. 1.5 basement apartments out of 5.






More new reviews coming soon! Won't you buy someone a book this holiday season, and give a librarian their wings? That's right - we can fly. Deal with it. 

Doctor Sleep

It's hard for me to give an unbiased review of any Stephen King book. From the ages of 13-18 he was like my surrogate boyfriend*: staying up late with me, telling me all about things my parents definitely didn't want me to know about, and scaring the bejeesus out of me (that's how love works, right? Help meee). 

And after I went to college and started slutting around, literature-wise (how you doin', Sarah Waters? Looking good, Michael Chabon!), we stayed on great terms. I no longer needed to have his latest hot off of the presses, but when I did get to it I'd always feel a rush of nostalgia and hum a little Buck Owens. Best of all, it felt like we were maturing together! Lisey's Story & Full Dark, No Stars managed to become two of my favorites by him - still plenty of thrills & chills; no terrifying clown demons needed. 

And now, this! A sequel to The Shining. The SHINING you guys. Arguably his most famous novel, definitely one of his best - so dark and layered and ominous and if all you know is the movie, you gots to get on that mass market paperback train, yo. That movie is great but it might as well have been an Asylum joint called "The Gleaming," for how little it holds true to King's plot and vision. 

Have you read The Shining?

You've read it?

For sure - like, you know what happens with the...and then the...and you know that he doesn't....?

Okay, you may proceed.

So, Danny Torrance is all grown. He's a drunk and a drifter, haunted by both his father's addictions and the remnants of the Overlook's evil. His shining proves to have an upside, though, as he finds work at a hospice and discovers he can help soothe the patients as they die. Hence: Dr. Sleep. 

His story is told in tandem with that of a little girl born a few towns over, Abra, who has unusually strong shining abilities - unfortunately they're so powerful that they attract the attention of some shine-sucking immortal vampiric creatures who travel around the U.S. in RVs torturing similarly gifted little kids and slurping up their sweet shine-juice. Yup, these dudes are no good, and Danny and Abra are going to take. Them. Down! Shine Twins activate!

Here's where the bias comes in: is it a little goofy? Yes. Is it scary? Not especially, though there are definitely some uneasy passages (Stephen King why do you keep trying to ruin bathtubs/indoor plumbing for me?!).

Did I love it? OF COURSE I DID. I'm no longer a young, bookish loner who needs paperbacks to get her heartbeat racing. I'm an old, bookish loner who can watch Breaking Bad whenever she needs to feel alive again. I'm okay with a book by an old friend (Stevie!) that brings back another old friend (Danny!), and lets him fight crime with a cute, precocious teen. I've gone soft, and that's cool.** Stephen King has, too, apparently....for now.

BIASED REVIEW: Stephen King Stephen Kings out of Stephen King. 

UNBIASED REVIEW: 3 goofball Mystery-style velvet top-hats out of 5.

*so much hotter than having an ACTUAL boyfriend, you guys

**I even teared up a the end...you know the part with ___? Where he helped him by ___? And it was like aaahhhhh of course!!!??? And then he looks back? Yeah that part. *Sniff*

The Walking

I have a love/hate relationship with horror novels.  When a book is so unsettling that you change your movements in the physical world, that’s love:  when you have to jerk your foot up onto the bed so nothing grabs it, when you have to look over your shoulder, when you have to put the book in the freezer.  I feel like novelists who can produce those moments are some of our greatest talents – as opposed to the movies, when a jump scare is enough to get the blood pumping, readers need to be crept up on and slowly worked into unsettling paranoia. Sadly, a lot of horror novelists lean more toward the cheap thrills of B-list horror cinema than the sublime creepiness of a well-crafted spooky story. I hate feeling like I just waded through a schlocky soup of blood & guts – pages of gory, cartoonish description might put my off my lunch slightly, but they aren’t really scary.  

Bentley Little, according to this story of mysterious deaths ( and even more mysterious posthumous behavior), falls in the middle of the spectrum. There were some unsettling passages and creative visuals, but the cheesy gore seemed to drive the plot, instead of punctuate it. And, speaking of plot, it’s never a good sign when, in an effort to illuminate the twists & turns of the story, one of the characters has to say “sometimes there just isn’t an explanation.” NO. TRY AGAIN. That’s not even a Deus Ex Machina, that’s…a Deus Ex Quicquid. Stephen King, don't you ever betray me with a cover quote like that again. Throwing some side-eye at you too, ghost of Bram Stoker.

In sum: I did not put this book in the freezer. I kept it on my nightstand and slept soundly and restfully with my limbs splayed over the edge of the bed & the window wide open. Horror fail. 

2 overly-gratuitous Saw sequels out of 5 (I heard the first one is pretty good but I can’t see it – too scary!) 

SPEED REVIEWS: Kitchen, Sharp Objects, Red Rain, Dare Me, and One Day

Yes, I'm still reading. I read with my coffee in the morning, I read on the train to work, I (attempt to) read while eating sloppy sandwiches from the food truck by work for lunch, and I read before I go to bed - more than once I have read up to the point where I fall asleep and the book falls and hits me in the nose. Yeah - I'm *pretty* cool.

But I've been silent because I haven't read anything amazing/terrible enough to muster up more than a few sentences about. So - drumroll - REVIEW SPEED ROUND!



Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto: Woah, woah, woah - you're telling me someone named Banana wrote a book described as "whimsical" and "quirky" by reviewers? Wonders never cease. I can't help but think that something was lost in translation with this one. But I did get my daily dose of potassium while reading it! BANANA JOKE. Bet she's never heard that one before. 2 terrible fruit puns out of 5.



Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn: I love me some G.Flynn. She's like Law & Order: SVU crossed with a Tana French novel. Dark & twisted and with something to say, but with a dash of tabloid flavor. Also Ice T is a minor character.* The only thing I'll say about this one is that the big reveal was pretty obvious if you've seen enough episodes of the aforementioned L&O series. Hey, we've come full circle! 3.5 cameos by Coco-T out of 5.



Red Rain by R.L. Stine: This. Book. Was. Awful. When I complained to my friend Lauren her response was "R.L. Stine isn't a talented author?!" - touché. Horror writers who actually write books (good ones!) for adults gave this good reviews/blurbs on the cover, so I was suckered in. Maybe Stine used the profits from Say Cheese and Die! to buy the good press? This is the worst book I've read in awhile but I can only write so many words about how it's about freaking ancient Irish zombie children who want to "rule the school" and burn people with laser heat eyes. There, I spoiled it for you. You're welcome. 0 uncomfortable sex scenes written by an old dude who used to write children's books out of 5.**



Dare Me by Megan Abbott: I enjoyed this one. It's about cheerleaders and the weird cults of personality that develop so easily in high school. Normally I would have filed this under the sad suburbia label and ignored it, but the cheerleading angle prompted me to give it a second look. Definitely disturbing though - this ain't Bring it On, bitch. 3.5 flawless back tucks out of 5.



One Day by David Nicholls: This book is very...British. I recently saw this Bestie x Bestie on "What's Wrong with Books?" and Jenny Slate's monologue kept coming to mind as I was ping-ponging between Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew. Even their names - so British! They dance around each other for 20 years and we get to check in on them on the same day every year. A bit gimmicky. Just read a frickin' Dilbert and go to sleep! Sing it, Jenny. Also they made this into a movie with Anne Hathaway; I'm not a Hathahater but picturing her in my head as a "plump, bespectacled frumpy English maid with dreams of being a writer" probably did NOT help me enjoy the book. 2 St.Swithin's day scones out of 5.

So that's what I've been up to, pals. Thankfully I am now reading the new Jon Ronson and it's wonderful and making me think & feel and laugh. There are no laser eyes. I can't wait to tell you about it. Stay tuned!

*False. But can you imagine?! *Opens notebook, furiously starts scribbling. You look over - it's just gibberish.*

**Warning: it actually does contain one such sex scene. The girl's skin is described as "creamy white" several times. My childhood is ruined.

American Vampire Vol. 1 & 2 - a Bloody Books Twofer

This graphic novel series is begging to be made into an HBO show. True Blood x Deadwood + Boardwalk Empire/Girls. Okay, maybe not that last one, unless vol. 3 is set in 21st century Brooklyn. Actually, how has no one done a hipster vampire show yet? That's my idea now, I call dibs.

Skinner Sweet is a wild west outlaw who becomes the 'American Vampire' - the first of a new breed, he can walk in the sunlight, and he sure as hell doesn't glitter when he does. Vampires have had a reputation problem over the past few years. Remember when they were scary? Before Twilight turned them into players in a weird pro-abstinence teen romance? This series goes a long way to undoing that damage and reclaiming the idea of a vampire as something terrifying & grotesque. No one is swooning over Skinner Sweet, I promise.*

4 super-sized orders of garlic bread out of 5.

*And if you read them and find that you are, you need to look at your life. Look at your choices! Girl. *smh*

The Devil in the White City

Fairs! What could be more fun?! Tilt-a-Whirls, that Viking Ship thing, and excellent representations from my favorite tiers of the food pyramid: Fried Things and Sugar Delivery Systems. I will always love getting effed up on some cotton candy and then being spun around violently by a ride that looks like a rejected transformer and is operated by a drunk teenager. That's just the kid in me, I guess! But this book taught me that fairs have a dark side, and it's America's First Serial Killer. H.H. Holmes was a scary dude with a literal house of horrors. He  would just pick off people at the fair as they exited the world's first Ferris Wheel, burning them with buckets of molten cheese. And that's why we call deep dish pizza Chicago-style! The end.

Nah, it was much less dramatic but still very gruesome and creepy. Erik Larsen doesn't talk once about pizza. Even though I really love reading about psychopaths (exhibits A, B, C...etc), my favorite part of this book was actually the Ferris Wheel stuff. There is a story about a guy who had a panic attack while it was rising into the air and basically tried to bust out one of the windows, just a little bit of history repeating.

4 mid-air freak-outs out of 5.

Zone One

Oh this book is great. Zombie novel-y enough to keep a buffoon like me entertained, but smart enough to make me feel smug reading it on the subway. In other words, this book is like:

• Donuts accompanied by 18 year old Glenfiddich
• Watching an amusing and, yet, incredibly moving and poignant Pixar movie. So, all of them, except Cars & Cars 2 (the headlights should be the eyes! The headlights!)
• Spending all afternoon reading Star magazines at the nail salon while getting a super classy French manicure
• Taking B.S. college classes like Pop Culture Studies where the homework is watching The Simpsons.

Read this book and fall in love with the Zombie novel again! I bet that quote makes the back cover of the paperback edition, mark my words.

4 out of 5 metaphors showing us that WE ARE THE ZOMBIES omg my liiiiiiiiife!

Dead Until Dark & Living Dead in Dallas

Sooooookay. Suh-kay. Suh-kaaaay. And Beeeel. Biiiilllll. Beee-luh? Lesson learned: it's hard to write in a Southern accent. So if you get annoyed watching True Blood and hearing Sookie & Bill dramatically call for each other, you might do better with the Charlaine Harris books the show is based on. However, although, take into account, the flip-side: there aren't enough adjectives in the English language to properly convey the glory of Alexander Skarsgard's giant, Swedish, and often nude form. So what will it be: brain candy books sans scenery-chewing or brain-candy HDTV with all its perks? I guess you can have both; you were never going to read War & Peace anyway.

3.5 Viking butts out of 5.

Bedbugs

Oh man. If you know me (and you do because, let's face it, this blog ain't no Dooce), you know that when I see a mattress on the side of the road I give it a wiiiiiiide berth. In New York, in Boston, in any city where students are crammed into tiny apartments where they spend their days swapping fluids with anything that moves (or so the media has led me to believe), bed bugs have taken hold. Every year, the students flee, they deposit their urine (I *hope* that's urine?) stained mattresses on the streets, and the bed bugs flex their haunches and prepare to launch onto whomever is so foolish as to walk within 2-3 feet. ALSO they never die. ALSO they can live in books. BOOKS. Bedbugs, you wound me to my CORE!

To sum: This book is scary & gross. The characters are well-developed, and there are some great twists and turns. Also if you get bed bugs, we can no longer be friends. Sorry.

4 tiny spots of blood on your pillow out of 5. Huh. Weird...

The Panic Hand

These stories - so great. So WEIRD. They zig and zag all over the place but you always end up somewhere awesome. The story "Friend's Best Man" won the World Fantasy Award and stars a dog that can predict the future. A magic dog! Look, I can't even go into all the details beyond the psychic dog, the story with God as a housekeeper, the imaginary friend who is alive...it's all good. Kelly Link and Aimee Bender owe some big debts to Carroll - if you enjoyed their short stories I would definitely pick this up if you can find a copy.

Friend's Best Man = 5 magic Jack Russell terriers out of 5.

The rest of the book = 3.5 raging World Fantasy Awards after-parties out of 5.

Thinner

Jenny Craig ain't got nothing on this jam. Forget counting calories, or points, or working out - ALL you have to do to fit into those skinny jeans is run over an old Gypsy lady with your car and wait for her pissed-off family to curse you.

Only Stephen King could make losing weight easily into a creepy story. His next book should be about someone getting a raise...they don't deserve! Nightmares-ville.

4 new belt notches out of 5.

The Keep

I don't know...at first it was all, "YES git dem Nazis!" because who doesn't smile at the thought of asshole Nazis being terrified by some supernatural beastie? I mean, I'm a pacifist but if SOMEONE has to get torn to shreds by an inhuman ghoul, yes, go ahead and make that person a Nazi.

But then there's some romance and some dueling and mystical foes and the whole thing started to feel pretty generic. Oh well, it awakened my blood-lust for killin' Nazis, I guess. That's like, step 1 in a 12-step program to becoming Indiana Jones' soulmate, right? And you know I am down with that.

2.5 severed Nazi limbs out of 5.

The Call of Cthulhu and Other Weird Stories

I love horror fiction (erm, as opposed to horror non-fiction? Like Glenn Beck books? Anyway...) but I have been derelict in my reading of the original "weird fiction" writer, HP Lovecraft. I knew as much about him as I knew about other famous HP's (HP Steak Sauce and HP Laptop That Always Overheats), so I decided to pick up this little collection. I enjoyed it - quaintly creepy (like Precious Moments figurines!) and with a lot of evocative descriptions of slimy drippy huge gross monstrous things.

Things to avoid in life, according to HP LC:
1. Musty odors. To survive in one of his stories, remember this helpful rule: If the odor is musty, your old timey bicycle best not be rusty! Because you should drive away thusly!
2. Odd geometry. If the structure be crazy, don't be lazy! Because you should get away, baby!
3. New England farmhouses. UNLESS you are antiquing. I have no rhyme for this. The rhymes were a mistake.

Three and a half extraneous "h"'s out of five.