The Lies of Locke Lamora

You know those tumblrs that are mash-ups of Game of Thrones with lines from other TV shows? Arrested Westeros is obviously the best. Others are somehow less than the sum of their parts. This book is like if someone made an amazing Game of Thrones x Ocean's 11 tumblr (A Song of Heist & Fire? That's a freebie; go for it), but, surprise! the tumblr is actually a great fantasy novel with a terrible cover. As you can see.

But inside! You got your lovable band of con-men tricksters, your mysterious villains, your sexy shark-fighting ladies, your sky-high towers made of alien glass, and capers oh so many capers and cons and heists. It's so fun. It should be made into a movie, or, better yet, an HBO miniseries (so hot right now) so we can all spend more time with Locke Lamora and his lovable cabal of mischievous orphan tricksters, The Gentlemen Bastards. That last part sounds pretty cheesy but I promise you, no one breaks into song, and Scott Lynch throws in plenty of swear words and blood & guts.

The world-building is fantastic, just enough detail without overwhelming. I almost wished I knew more about the setting, a Venice-like city called Camorr full of alchemical gardens & floating markets. They have cinnamon lemons there - how good would cinnamon lemonade be? Hey, if there's a nerd out there reading this, please throw a Gentlemen Bastards party with themed food and invite me (I'm nerdy enough to attend, but not host, such gatherings).

Lynch also borrows from the George R.R. Martin school of fuckery and "things that cause readers to yell at your book" at a few points. A great book giveth, and a great book taketh away.

5 cool, refreshing glasses of nerd-brewed cinnamon lemonade out of 5.

A Dance with Dragons

Awwwwww yisss. I was 21 when A Feast for Crows came out, y'all. In a perfect world, I would have still been sleeping off my 21st birthday hangover when A Dance with Dragons was published. Instead I had to wait SIX GODDAMNED YEARS to figure out what the hell happened to Tyrion after he

*SPOILER ALERT*

Killed his own damn father with a crossbow to the gut. SIX YEARS of not knowing what kind of shit sandwich Jon Snow and Stannis were slapping together up on a wall of 700 motherfreaking feet of ICE. GODDAMN IT. SIX YEARS OF NO DRAGONS.

*Deep breath*

Ok, I'm over it. I respect the process. I realize this isn't so much a review as a nerdgasm word vomit rage cloud so let me throw out some key takeaways:

• You should probably start from the beginning and read Game of Thrones, immediately. THEN watch the HBO series. The HBO series is not a substitute for reading the first book. What is this, high school English?! Read first, enjoy Sean Bean later. Trust.
• This book has plenty of Tyrion being Tyrion, don't worry. I know, I told you not to watch the HBO show instead of reading, but all I see is Dinklage now when reading Tyrion's POV - and it's great. The world needs more Dinklage.
• The dragons have gone from adorable to scary - these are not your adorable neighborhood Pixar-like beasts. Plenty of face-melting going on.
• Daario is kind of annoying, no? Just me? I can't get behind a blue-haired sexy person - I am picturing him so emo. Maybe like a medieval Pete Wentz?
• The main point I took away from this part of the series is that being in charge kind of sucks. Undead foes can especially complicate things. Obama - take notes!
• If we have to wait 5+ years for the next book I will be very, very sad. If I can get knocked up, give birth, and have the kid potty-trained and talking before you write the next book - that's too long, George. That's not my plan, by the way - but the point still stands.
• If it doesn't have a map at the beginning, 25 pages of ridiculously complicated family trees at the end, and an entire WIKI to tide you over in between books; then, honey, it ain't an epic series.

4 deliciously armor-clad Sean Beans out of 5. FOR THOSE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS & SEEN THE SHOW THAT IS A CRAZY IRONIC SCORE.

Damn it, seriously - when is the next one coming out?