The Silent Wife

I got married last weekend. Yes - I looked fabulous. Oh, you were going to ask me what I chose to read during this days leading up to this momentous occasion? Obviously I chose A.S.A. Harrison's novel about a marriage torn apart by a lack of passion, the slow march of time, and deep emotional problems. MAZEL!

Thankfully, the book wasn't gripping enough for me to slowly lower it while saying to myself "I've made a huge mistake." I'm having a hard time seeing how this is billed as this season's Gone Girl. While the latter had more twists and turns than an episode of Passions (Timmy!), most of Harrison's novel is coldly realistic. Instead of a bananas thrill-ride with crazy people doing batshit things, it's just sad people doing depressing and predictable things. Ain't nobody got time for that.

When the denouement happens, it's not really a twist or a shock. You know when you sit on a slide, but your skirt rides up, so you awkwardly start to squeeeeak down the thing slowly and everyone looks at you and you get a wicked leg burn?* It's like that. A slow, un-pretty descent into the inevitable.

2 frosty WASP-approved gin & tonics served with a side of regret out of 5.

*Yes, it happened to me recently. Why do you ask?

Brain on Fire

Susannah Cahalan woke up one day, felt a little weird. AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT. Seizures, aphasia, catatonia, aggression, paranoia. This book chronicles her “month of madness,” as teams of doctors tried to diagnose & treat her while her frantic family watched her become a stranger. Even knowing that she eventually recovered enough to write this book, it’s a really gripping story. It highlights the fuzzy boundaries between chronic mental illnesses and curable physical conditions, especially since most of the people with her condition do not get properly diagnosed and end up in psych wards. Or worse. It’s thought that some cases of “demon possession” are attributable to the illness, which usually affects young women. I know, strange symptoms being caused by a legitimate medical illness instead of an evil immortal ancient supernatural being (that for some reason thinks it can raise more hell in your puny human body) – it all seems so outlandish…but there it is.

And on that note, I had this Onion article sent to me while I was in the midst of this book, and it all felt a bit too close-to-home. Women + Noise Coming Out of Their Mouths = CRAZY has been a common theme throughout history I would love to see go away. Hysteria was originally defined as a condition that ONLY women suffered from: the word has its origins in the Greek word “hysterikos,” which means “of the womb, suffering in the womb.” Originally defined as a neurotic condition peculiar to women and thought to be caused by a dysfunction of the uterus.* Yeah – my womb is suffering all right – because I can’t complain or act nutty or get angry or have an opinion without some BRO-DAWG making a “time of the month” joke.  Susannah Cahalan had something physically wrong with her, but one of the first doctors she saw said she was just drinking too much (even though she told him otherwise) and was too stressed out. Women BE moody, am I right?!

In sum: brain inflammation is something we should all be afraid of.

4 out of 5 misogynistic Ancient Greeks.

*Bright side: this led to the invention of the vibrator as a way to “de-hysterize” us lady folk. TRUE FACTS.

After the Apocalypse

I have definitely crafted an apocalypse survival plan with a few people ("you get the guns, I'll get the cans - we make our way north and rendezvous at my parent's cottage in Nova Scotia where we can seal off the only road onto the island.") But if zombies *actually* happened I would probably be caught wearing impractical high heels, ignore the warnings, and get taken down within the first 10 minutes while standing in line for an iced coffee.

We all think we're much more heroic and resourceful than we really are, and it's easy to picture ourselves rising from the ashes, the demise of processed food finally helping us sculpt some wicked abs, which we display at all times while wielding a machete and scavenging for supplies like a warrior princess (No? Just my daydreams? Cool). Maureen F. McHugh's nine stories, all set in some sort of post-apocalypse or dystopian future (those pesky zombies, dirty bomb attacks, economic depression, drought), immerse you in stories that feel much more realistic and more raw than those found in most end of the world dramas. There's nothing glossy or cartoonish about a resentful mother dragging her whiny teenager through a starving America, or a Mad Cow-like illness infecting the chicken nugget supply and damning a generation to a slow, paralyzing dementia. It would all be really, really depressing if it wasn't such a breath of fresh air in what can admittedly be a somewhat stagnant genre.

4 death-dealing processed nuggets out of 5! That is probably the way we're all going to go out, actually.

Columbine

This is a great book, for which I can't really write a quick & cute review. For obvious reasons, I hope. Dave Cullen is quick to say that he's never called this the "definitive" book on what's arguably the most famous school shooting in American history, but I can't imagine any one will write another one that unpacks the tragedy so eloquently and in such a deeply-felt way. I had a really weird, pained expression on my face the entire time I was reading this, and I couldn't put it down. It's also a great read for anyone interested in how the media gets it wrong sometimes; with insights into the 24 hour news cycle, eyewitness testimony, the power of a martyr, and much more.

5 stars out of 5.

Chrysalids

First of all, I chose to use this cover as illustration because, and I can't stress this enough, this book has nothing to do with human/praying mantis hybrids wearing fur ruffs and samurai armor, and brandishing spears. Not once does this happen. If there is a book about that, send it to me, because it sounds great. But it's not this book.

This book is about less-dramatic mutants (your six-toed individuals, your telepathic individuals...etc. Well, actually, that's pretty much it). Our telepathic friends are living in a post-,post-,post-apocalyptic USA, where deviation from the norm is not tolerated. I first read this book in high school, and with the wisdom I've accumulated since then I now see that they were trying to teach us a *very special* lesson about tolerance, conformity, and nuclear fallout.

But I have ALWAYS loved mutants, because my mom has two earlobes on one ear. So, thanks for wasting my time, high school English class.

To summarize, John Wyndham is great and you knew that since you read Day of the Triffids and realized that plants are plotting against us, and secretly that's the reason you eat salad, not to watch your weight like you tell everyone.

6 toes out of 5! Hmm, no, it's not that good. You could also mutate fewer appendages, couldn't you? 3 super-strong radiation enhanced super-toes out of 5.

I Don't Care About Your Band

"Girrrrrrl." - My brain, to Julie Klausner, while reading her horrifying tales of dating hipster douchebags and hateful depressives of every variety and flavor. It's like watching a slasher movie, except instead of yelling "Don't open that door!" you're yelling...okay well you're yelling "Don't open that door!" but the guy behind it just treats you like shit instead of murdering you. Which is SCARIER? You decide!

Actually my favorite part of this book is when she talks about how your twenties are the worst years of your life that at the time you think are great. God, hindsight's a bitch. I don't care about your band! Or your stupid accounting internship! That felt good, let the healing process begin.

3.5 late-night booty calls out of 5.