Congo

Emboldened by my enjoyable revisit to Jurassic Park & the Lost World, I thought I’d pick up another Crichton novel I barely remembered but knew I’d read in my early teens. Foolish, foolish, Jane. This. Book. Is. Bananas.*The plot DID give me some great ideas for band names though:

• Corporate Jungle Heist
• Parachuting Gorilla
• Killer Police Apes
• Gorilla Ticklers
• Stone Skull Crushers
• Amy & The Blue Diamonds
• The Japanese Consortium

Sure, there is some action when the aforementioned killer police apes start busting out the aforementioned stone skull crushers, but mostly the book is concerned with how one company is going to beat another company to a source of rocks that will make computers faster. There are a lot of sentences that begin “Karen had to upload the data to the satellite uplink to get the new probability for the desired outcome.” Nerds, do NOT tell me if I got that wrong.

So unless you like reading a lot about old technology, just see the movie. Or, don’t – because apparently it’s also pretty bad (Amy the Talking Gorilla was nominated for worst supporting actress and LOST TO MADONNA. BRB going to be laughing about Madge being worse to watch than this for awhile).  

1 out of 5 playtime sessions with All Ball & Koko.

*Um, YEAH pun intended. Are you new here?

Slow Apocalypse

"If you like reading maps, you'll *love* Slow Apocalypse!"

"Slow Apocalypse...emphasis on the sl-o-o-o-ow!"

"Like a 12 hour Michael Bay movie...in book form!"

All of those tag-lines went through my head while slogging through this interminable apocalypse. It's a neat concept for an apocalypse (an agent is introduced to the world's oil and renders it useless - wait is that even a neat concept? Oh god I don't even know what's good or not anymore damn you Varley!) rendered in a mind-numbing way. It's set in Los Angeles and no one can fault Varley for not doing his research - the map tag-line refers to passages like this:

"They went south through the pass on West Cahuenga Boulevard. At the beginning of Mulholland Drive they crossed over the freeway because Dave wanted to see the state of Lake Hollywood, which, along with Castaic Lake...*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Sorry,  I fell asleep before finishing that excerpt. Here is another excerpt, less boring only because of its baffling improbability:

"He had a wide smile and a face weathered prematurely, was of average height, but looked very strong. He introduced himself as an associate professor of governmental studies at Cal State, Long Beach."

MAYBE that is a dull but innocuous way to introduce a character. But - bear with me here - after this oil crisis has gripped the world, after Los Angeles was hit with a devastating earthquake and subsequent fires, after law & order has disintegrated to the point where armed gangs and packs of ferocious dogs are roaming your neighborhood, maybe, just MAYBE you would realize someone (coming down from standing an armed watch, mind you!) introducing themselves "as an associate professor of governmental studies" is not something a goddamned human being would EVER do.

Sorry, I am clearly upset. I have 450+ pages of L.A. nouns running on a constant loop through my head ("LACMA...I-10...Olympic...Naomi Street....Laurel Canyon...Canoga Park! HELP ME!"). And, at one point the protagonist's bratty teenage daughter refers to Frederick's of Hollywood as 'Whores R' Us' and I find that needlessly judgmental and also watch your mouth young lady.

If the apocalypse has any redeeming qualities, excitement should be one of them. Do not read this book.

1 conversation at a party with someone telling you their 'great idea for a novel!' that you can't. Get. Out. Of. Out of 5.

P.S. I finished writing this review and turned to the front of the book and saw the dedication: "This Los Angeles book is dedicated to our Los Angeles friends." And that's why you always read the dedication.