The Silent Wife

I got married last weekend. Yes - I looked fabulous. Oh, you were going to ask me what I chose to read during this days leading up to this momentous occasion? Obviously I chose A.S.A. Harrison's novel about a marriage torn apart by a lack of passion, the slow march of time, and deep emotional problems. MAZEL!

Thankfully, the book wasn't gripping enough for me to slowly lower it while saying to myself "I've made a huge mistake." I'm having a hard time seeing how this is billed as this season's Gone Girl. While the latter had more twists and turns than an episode of Passions (Timmy!), most of Harrison's novel is coldly realistic. Instead of a bananas thrill-ride with crazy people doing batshit things, it's just sad people doing depressing and predictable things. Ain't nobody got time for that.

When the denouement happens, it's not really a twist or a shock. You know when you sit on a slide, but your skirt rides up, so you awkwardly start to squeeeeak down the thing slowly and everyone looks at you and you get a wicked leg burn?* It's like that. A slow, un-pretty descent into the inevitable.

2 frosty WASP-approved gin & tonics served with a side of regret out of 5.

*Yes, it happened to me recently. Why do you ask?

SPEED REVIEWS: Kitchen, Sharp Objects, Red Rain, Dare Me, and One Day

Yes, I'm still reading. I read with my coffee in the morning, I read on the train to work, I (attempt to) read while eating sloppy sandwiches from the food truck by work for lunch, and I read before I go to bed - more than once I have read up to the point where I fall asleep and the book falls and hits me in the nose. Yeah - I'm *pretty* cool.

But I've been silent because I haven't read anything amazing/terrible enough to muster up more than a few sentences about. So - drumroll - REVIEW SPEED ROUND!



Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto: Woah, woah, woah - you're telling me someone named Banana wrote a book described as "whimsical" and "quirky" by reviewers? Wonders never cease. I can't help but think that something was lost in translation with this one. But I did get my daily dose of potassium while reading it! BANANA JOKE. Bet she's never heard that one before. 2 terrible fruit puns out of 5.



Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn: I love me some G.Flynn. She's like Law & Order: SVU crossed with a Tana French novel. Dark & twisted and with something to say, but with a dash of tabloid flavor. Also Ice T is a minor character.* The only thing I'll say about this one is that the big reveal was pretty obvious if you've seen enough episodes of the aforementioned L&O series. Hey, we've come full circle! 3.5 cameos by Coco-T out of 5.



Red Rain by R.L. Stine: This. Book. Was. Awful. When I complained to my friend Lauren her response was "R.L. Stine isn't a talented author?!" - touché. Horror writers who actually write books (good ones!) for adults gave this good reviews/blurbs on the cover, so I was suckered in. Maybe Stine used the profits from Say Cheese and Die! to buy the good press? This is the worst book I've read in awhile but I can only write so many words about how it's about freaking ancient Irish zombie children who want to "rule the school" and burn people with laser heat eyes. There, I spoiled it for you. You're welcome. 0 uncomfortable sex scenes written by an old dude who used to write children's books out of 5.**



Dare Me by Megan Abbott: I enjoyed this one. It's about cheerleaders and the weird cults of personality that develop so easily in high school. Normally I would have filed this under the sad suburbia label and ignored it, but the cheerleading angle prompted me to give it a second look. Definitely disturbing though - this ain't Bring it On, bitch. 3.5 flawless back tucks out of 5.



One Day by David Nicholls: This book is very...British. I recently saw this Bestie x Bestie on "What's Wrong with Books?" and Jenny Slate's monologue kept coming to mind as I was ping-ponging between Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew. Even their names - so British! They dance around each other for 20 years and we get to check in on them on the same day every year. A bit gimmicky. Just read a frickin' Dilbert and go to sleep! Sing it, Jenny. Also they made this into a movie with Anne Hathaway; I'm not a Hathahater but picturing her in my head as a "plump, bespectacled frumpy English maid with dreams of being a writer" probably did NOT help me enjoy the book. 2 St.Swithin's day scones out of 5.

So that's what I've been up to, pals. Thankfully I am now reading the new Jon Ronson and it's wonderful and making me think & feel and laugh. There are no laser eyes. I can't wait to tell you about it. Stay tuned!

*False. But can you imagine?! *Opens notebook, furiously starts scribbling. You look over - it's just gibberish.*

**Warning: it actually does contain one such sex scene. The girl's skin is described as "creamy white" several times. My childhood is ruined.

Slow Apocalypse

"If you like reading maps, you'll *love* Slow Apocalypse!"

"Slow Apocalypse...emphasis on the sl-o-o-o-ow!"

"Like a 12 hour Michael Bay movie...in book form!"

All of those tag-lines went through my head while slogging through this interminable apocalypse. It's a neat concept for an apocalypse (an agent is introduced to the world's oil and renders it useless - wait is that even a neat concept? Oh god I don't even know what's good or not anymore damn you Varley!) rendered in a mind-numbing way. It's set in Los Angeles and no one can fault Varley for not doing his research - the map tag-line refers to passages like this:

"They went south through the pass on West Cahuenga Boulevard. At the beginning of Mulholland Drive they crossed over the freeway because Dave wanted to see the state of Lake Hollywood, which, along with Castaic Lake...*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Sorry,  I fell asleep before finishing that excerpt. Here is another excerpt, less boring only because of its baffling improbability:

"He had a wide smile and a face weathered prematurely, was of average height, but looked very strong. He introduced himself as an associate professor of governmental studies at Cal State, Long Beach."

MAYBE that is a dull but innocuous way to introduce a character. But - bear with me here - after this oil crisis has gripped the world, after Los Angeles was hit with a devastating earthquake and subsequent fires, after law & order has disintegrated to the point where armed gangs and packs of ferocious dogs are roaming your neighborhood, maybe, just MAYBE you would realize someone (coming down from standing an armed watch, mind you!) introducing themselves "as an associate professor of governmental studies" is not something a goddamned human being would EVER do.

Sorry, I am clearly upset. I have 450+ pages of L.A. nouns running on a constant loop through my head ("LACMA...I-10...Olympic...Naomi Street....Laurel Canyon...Canoga Park! HELP ME!"). And, at one point the protagonist's bratty teenage daughter refers to Frederick's of Hollywood as 'Whores R' Us' and I find that needlessly judgmental and also watch your mouth young lady.

If the apocalypse has any redeeming qualities, excitement should be one of them. Do not read this book.

1 conversation at a party with someone telling you their 'great idea for a novel!' that you can't. Get. Out. Of. Out of 5.

P.S. I finished writing this review and turned to the front of the book and saw the dedication: "This Los Angeles book is dedicated to our Los Angeles friends." And that's why you always read the dedication.