The Silent Wife

I got married last weekend. Yes - I looked fabulous. Oh, you were going to ask me what I chose to read during this days leading up to this momentous occasion? Obviously I chose A.S.A. Harrison's novel about a marriage torn apart by a lack of passion, the slow march of time, and deep emotional problems. MAZEL!

Thankfully, the book wasn't gripping enough for me to slowly lower it while saying to myself "I've made a huge mistake." I'm having a hard time seeing how this is billed as this season's Gone Girl. While the latter had more twists and turns than an episode of Passions (Timmy!), most of Harrison's novel is coldly realistic. Instead of a bananas thrill-ride with crazy people doing batshit things, it's just sad people doing depressing and predictable things. Ain't nobody got time for that.

When the denouement happens, it's not really a twist or a shock. You know when you sit on a slide, but your skirt rides up, so you awkwardly start to squeeeeak down the thing slowly and everyone looks at you and you get a wicked leg burn?* It's like that. A slow, un-pretty descent into the inevitable.

2 frosty WASP-approved gin & tonics served with a side of regret out of 5.

*Yes, it happened to me recently. Why do you ask?

Slow Apocalypse

"If you like reading maps, you'll *love* Slow Apocalypse!"

"Slow Apocalypse...emphasis on the sl-o-o-o-ow!"

"Like a 12 hour Michael Bay movie...in book form!"

All of those tag-lines went through my head while slogging through this interminable apocalypse. It's a neat concept for an apocalypse (an agent is introduced to the world's oil and renders it useless - wait is that even a neat concept? Oh god I don't even know what's good or not anymore damn you Varley!) rendered in a mind-numbing way. It's set in Los Angeles and no one can fault Varley for not doing his research - the map tag-line refers to passages like this:

"They went south through the pass on West Cahuenga Boulevard. At the beginning of Mulholland Drive they crossed over the freeway because Dave wanted to see the state of Lake Hollywood, which, along with Castaic Lake...*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Sorry,  I fell asleep before finishing that excerpt. Here is another excerpt, less boring only because of its baffling improbability:

"He had a wide smile and a face weathered prematurely, was of average height, but looked very strong. He introduced himself as an associate professor of governmental studies at Cal State, Long Beach."

MAYBE that is a dull but innocuous way to introduce a character. But - bear with me here - after this oil crisis has gripped the world, after Los Angeles was hit with a devastating earthquake and subsequent fires, after law & order has disintegrated to the point where armed gangs and packs of ferocious dogs are roaming your neighborhood, maybe, just MAYBE you would realize someone (coming down from standing an armed watch, mind you!) introducing themselves "as an associate professor of governmental studies" is not something a goddamned human being would EVER do.

Sorry, I am clearly upset. I have 450+ pages of L.A. nouns running on a constant loop through my head ("LACMA...I-10...Olympic...Naomi Street....Laurel Canyon...Canoga Park! HELP ME!"). And, at one point the protagonist's bratty teenage daughter refers to Frederick's of Hollywood as 'Whores R' Us' and I find that needlessly judgmental and also watch your mouth young lady.

If the apocalypse has any redeeming qualities, excitement should be one of them. Do not read this book.

1 conversation at a party with someone telling you their 'great idea for a novel!' that you can't. Get. Out. Of. Out of 5.

P.S. I finished writing this review and turned to the front of the book and saw the dedication: "This Los Angeles book is dedicated to our Los Angeles friends." And that's why you always read the dedication.

Fifty Shades of Grey

50 written works that are more erotic than Fifty Shades of Grey:
1. This sentence.
2. The obituary section of your local paper.
3. My last grocery list (Oooh...zucchini).
4. A seventh grade essay on Of Mice & Men.
5. The Obamacare bill.
6. The lyrics to Justin Bieber's opus, "Baby" (Baby baby baby ooh baby).
7. A note that reads "Will you go to Prom with me? Check yes or no."
8. The book of Leviticus.
9. An itemized check from a nice dinner out.
10. Box scores from a baseball game.
11. That crude piece of graffiti scrawled on the wall by your house.
12. Comments on YouTube videos.
13. Kirk/Spock slash.
14. The letters from readers published in People Magazine ("Thank you for such a nice piece on Jennifer Aniston!")
15-50. Everything. EVERYTHING.

Alright, I ran out of steam a bit there. But I still had more steam than the limp brained protagonist Anastasia Steele (ugh) and her robotic and laughably verbose suitor Christian Grey (UGH).

This book is so bad. Which, we knew it would be, right? WRONG. It is so much worse than you could imagine. Housewives of America! Step away from the washing machine and put down this book! If you are really craving some poorly written smut lacking any plotting or character development, may I introduce you to something called pornography? Look it up.

E.L. James, I am now dumber for having read your book. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

0 "steely grey eyes" out of 5.

Mini Shopaholic

There comes a point in this book when the main character (the original shopaholic, now mother of the title "mini") has an inner monologue that goes like this "She's looking like me like I'm crazy. And maybe I am. But I have to keep doing this. I have to." But, you know what crazy lady? You don't. The crazy has ceased to be cute, or funny, or even the slightest bit relatable. In the first book, ok, who hasn't tried to hide their entire wardrobe by shoving it in vacuum bags and shoving it in a closet, only to have it explode everywhere? Uh, no, just me? Anyway - maybe it's the post-recession me, but Becky Bloomwood needs to get her act together. Maybe if there were consequences to her nutbar behavior beyond eye-rolls, she would, but in her reality everyone loves her anyway. Must be nice! Ugh. I'm shopaholic-ed out.

1.5 overdue credit card bills out of 5.