Double Down

No, not the sandwich you DOLT. Though I did become queasy several times during the experience, which I'd imagine is a quality the book shares with the Colonel's penultimate creation. My stomach flip-flopped every time the book described:

• Joe Biden swearing (that was a happy queasy though - the quease of joy)
• Donald Trump tweeting a vague reference to Obama's African birthplace 
• Mitt Romney furrowing his brow and wondering why the American people don't like him, like a reverse Sally Field*
• Meat Loaf performing at a GOP rally wearing a "sweat-soaked black poncho"

Unfortunately, the real quease and cheese of the 2012 elections was given short shrift in this non-fiction narrative. There was no mention of the workout pics mocked round the world; an unforgivable omission that I feel I need to share here in order to make things right:

"In retrospect, the hat was a mistake"

Rick Perry's brokeback moment was also passed over, as was Herman Cain's "I Am America" ad featuring cigarette smoke blown directly into the camera. Sure, we got the behind the scenes scoop on Newt's moon base and Clint Eastwood's ramblings with an empty chair,** but I craved more. Call it the Buzzfeed effect if you will, but I wanted list after list featuring hits like "Michelle Bachmann's top stress-fueled eye twitches." And hey, I'm all about skewering both sides. I would have also accepted "5 shady political ads that straight-up accuse Mitt Romney of murdering people" or "10 times Uncle Joe put his entire foot and most of one leg in his mouth."

Maybe it's because the 2008 elections felt more like a triumph, and the 2012 elections more like a slog. For everyone - obviously my political leanings are evident, but neither side really shined in 2012. It was as mendacious and mean-spirited as an episode of House of Cards. All I wanted was more of the absurd and amusing, because the actual day-by-day was too depressing.

Halperin & Heilemann are still great writers and their insider access is unparalleled, so it's not as if the story wasn't told well. For me, it just turned out to be a story I didn't really feel like revisiting all that much.

3 regal whinnies from Rafalca out of 5.

*Reverse Sally Field may also be a figure skating move; I think the gold medalist at Sochi nailed one 
**Fun fact: he didn't prepare at all and came up with that ten minutes before going on stage, inspired by a Neil Diamond song. Level of fucks given = none.

The Silent Wife

I got married last weekend. Yes - I looked fabulous. Oh, you were going to ask me what I chose to read during this days leading up to this momentous occasion? Obviously I chose A.S.A. Harrison's novel about a marriage torn apart by a lack of passion, the slow march of time, and deep emotional problems. MAZEL!

Thankfully, the book wasn't gripping enough for me to slowly lower it while saying to myself "I've made a huge mistake." I'm having a hard time seeing how this is billed as this season's Gone Girl. While the latter had more twists and turns than an episode of Passions (Timmy!), most of Harrison's novel is coldly realistic. Instead of a bananas thrill-ride with crazy people doing batshit things, it's just sad people doing depressing and predictable things. Ain't nobody got time for that.

When the denouement happens, it's not really a twist or a shock. You know when you sit on a slide, but your skirt rides up, so you awkwardly start to squeeeeak down the thing slowly and everyone looks at you and you get a wicked leg burn?* It's like that. A slow, un-pretty descent into the inevitable.

2 frosty WASP-approved gin & tonics served with a side of regret out of 5.

*Yes, it happened to me recently. Why do you ask?

Brain on Fire

Susannah Cahalan woke up one day, felt a little weird. AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT. Seizures, aphasia, catatonia, aggression, paranoia. This book chronicles her “month of madness,” as teams of doctors tried to diagnose & treat her while her frantic family watched her become a stranger. Even knowing that she eventually recovered enough to write this book, it’s a really gripping story. It highlights the fuzzy boundaries between chronic mental illnesses and curable physical conditions, especially since most of the people with her condition do not get properly diagnosed and end up in psych wards. Or worse. It’s thought that some cases of “demon possession” are attributable to the illness, which usually affects young women. I know, strange symptoms being caused by a legitimate medical illness instead of an evil immortal ancient supernatural being (that for some reason thinks it can raise more hell in your puny human body) – it all seems so outlandish…but there it is.

And on that note, I had this Onion article sent to me while I was in the midst of this book, and it all felt a bit too close-to-home. Women + Noise Coming Out of Their Mouths = CRAZY has been a common theme throughout history I would love to see go away. Hysteria was originally defined as a condition that ONLY women suffered from: the word has its origins in the Greek word “hysterikos,” which means “of the womb, suffering in the womb.” Originally defined as a neurotic condition peculiar to women and thought to be caused by a dysfunction of the uterus.* Yeah – my womb is suffering all right – because I can’t complain or act nutty or get angry or have an opinion without some BRO-DAWG making a “time of the month” joke.  Susannah Cahalan had something physically wrong with her, but one of the first doctors she saw said she was just drinking too much (even though she told him otherwise) and was too stressed out. Women BE moody, am I right?!

In sum: brain inflammation is something we should all be afraid of.

4 out of 5 misogynistic Ancient Greeks.

*Bright side: this led to the invention of the vibrator as a way to “de-hysterize” us lady folk. TRUE FACTS.

After the Apocalypse

I have definitely crafted an apocalypse survival plan with a few people ("you get the guns, I'll get the cans - we make our way north and rendezvous at my parent's cottage in Nova Scotia where we can seal off the only road onto the island.") But if zombies *actually* happened I would probably be caught wearing impractical high heels, ignore the warnings, and get taken down within the first 10 minutes while standing in line for an iced coffee.

We all think we're much more heroic and resourceful than we really are, and it's easy to picture ourselves rising from the ashes, the demise of processed food finally helping us sculpt some wicked abs, which we display at all times while wielding a machete and scavenging for supplies like a warrior princess (No? Just my daydreams? Cool). Maureen F. McHugh's nine stories, all set in some sort of post-apocalypse or dystopian future (those pesky zombies, dirty bomb attacks, economic depression, drought), immerse you in stories that feel much more realistic and more raw than those found in most end of the world dramas. There's nothing glossy or cartoonish about a resentful mother dragging her whiny teenager through a starving America, or a Mad Cow-like illness infecting the chicken nugget supply and damning a generation to a slow, paralyzing dementia. It would all be really, really depressing if it wasn't such a breath of fresh air in what can admittedly be a somewhat stagnant genre.

4 death-dealing processed nuggets out of 5! That is probably the way we're all going to go out, actually.

Columbine

This is a great book, for which I can't really write a quick & cute review. For obvious reasons, I hope. Dave Cullen is quick to say that he's never called this the "definitive" book on what's arguably the most famous school shooting in American history, but I can't imagine any one will write another one that unpacks the tragedy so eloquently and in such a deeply-felt way. I had a really weird, pained expression on my face the entire time I was reading this, and I couldn't put it down. It's also a great read for anyone interested in how the media gets it wrong sometimes; with insights into the 24 hour news cycle, eyewitness testimony, the power of a martyr, and much more.

5 stars out of 5.

The Devil All the Time

This book is...what's the opposite of chick lit? And don't say MAN lit, if "man lit" is a thing it's a genre only comprised of those Uncle John Bathroom Reader books and the memoirs of Tim Allen. I just mean that I would pay good money to see one of the ditzy (yet lovable) stiletto-clad heroines whose first world problems dominate those pastel-covered books enter the dark and grimy world Pollock created. Hi-larious hi-jinks would surely ensue!

Deadly road trips, a blood-soaked prayer log, a predatory holy man, a crooked sheriff - no one in this book is a good person, everyone does horrible things, and you'll be left squirming like a preacher getting insects poured over his head (oh yeah, that happens too. I had to put the book in the freezer, Joey style, after that one).

4 sweaty, dirty men's undershirts out of 5. Ugh. Disgusting.

The Emperor of All Maladies

Remember in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold says "It's not a too-mah!"? This book is a point-by-point rebuttal of that statement proving that, most likely, it is a tumor.

You'll learn a lot, you'll cry, you will not laugh, you'll come face to face with your own mortality...

Be prepared to spend some time feeling for lumps and bumps after reading, is all I'm saying.

3.5 irregular moles out of 5.