Divergent

I'm usually pretty good at suspending my disbelief. I'd rather be immersed in a different world and accept the fact that the rules are a lil' bendy, than read tomes filled with the details of a depressingly plausible life. There's a place on my bookshelf for Jonathan Franzen, but it's not my HAPPY place, you know?*

A dystopian tale though, now that is definitely my happy place (irony alert lulz). Divergent is set in a future Chicago, where the population is divided into five factions based on the values humanity has considered necessary for balance and order: Abnegation (they run the government...wouldn't that be nice?), Amity, Erudite, Candor, and Dauntless. I would have also included Lusty, Witty, and Goofy - but that's just me. Anyway, five factions, all with different tasks and duties, and kids get to pick their factions (and their futures) when they turn sixteen. The novel follows one girl, Beatrice, who chooses to leave her birth faction for the brave and thrill-seeking Dauntless. The COOL KIDS FUCK YEAH! They do mixed-martial arts and get tattoos and pierce their FACES. Do you even DAUNTLESS, BRO?

And here is where my belief, floating happily along, is rudely kicked in the nards. Poor guy never had a chance. Apparently, to get around future Chicago, the Dauntless run alongside moving trains and jump on them. When they want to get off, they jump off. *Record scratch*

Yes: their system of transportation is jumping on and off moving trains. Because they are brave. At this point my belief is writhing on the ground in agony, struggling with the following:

• During one of the first train-jumping scenes, someone dies. Does this happen often? At what point do they reconsider their everyday mode of transportation due to the fact that it's killing their troops? 
• Who is driving these trains? When they start up for the day, are people allowed to get on then? Or do they have to wait until the trains get up to full speed?
• The trains seem to run all around the city but then also into the country. Who designed these trains?! They seem to use them for training exercises/to move troops but then also they are just running all the time for people to jump on them whenever. Is there a schedule? Is there a plan?
• It's not like they are so brave, so lacking of daunt, that they have to do everything in the most extreme way possible, because obviously that would be ridiculous. They don't eat by shooting potato cannons into their face-holes, they don't get dressed by jumping into their outfits from the roof, and they don't have sex by loading their naked bodies into giant slingshots and trying to collide in mid-air at 90 mph (yes - I've been reading your diary. WEIRD, DUDE). They do many, many normal things in non-brave ways so WHY THE DEATH-DEFYING PUBLIC TRANSPORT?
• I KNOW YOU ARE BRAVE BUT YOU ARE LITERALLY JUMPING ON AND OFF RANDOM RUNAWAY DEATH TRAINS WITH GHOST PILOTS FOR NO REASON JUST TO GET MORE MILK OR VISIT YOUR GRANDMOTHER. 

And so I spent most of the book thinking about the above, unable to focus on Beatrice's angst, teen romance, or the intricacies of inter-faction politics. 

RIP to my belief. He was hit by a train. Never even saw it coming.

1.5 teeny tiny British conductors out 5.

*Sorry, Franzie. Maybe throw some dragons in your next book?

The Age of Miracles

Sometimes I like to read the 1-star Amazon reviews given to the books I love.

"This book is too much like The Road."

Oh, okay, is this book too much like another GREAT BOOK? How *annoying* for you.

"It's depressing."

Um, yeah, the rotation of the earth has slowed and it's wreaking havoc on the earth and the main character is coming-of-age with a dysfunctional family during this tumultuous time. Sorry it wasn't enough like an ABC Family Movie starring Melissa Joan Hart, GOD GO BACK TO YOUR READER'S DIGEST.

"Sorely lacking in miracles."

Oh man - this person is going to be super angry when they read Life of Pi ("sorely lacking in mathematical constants"), Catcher in the Rye ("sorely lacking in hearty grains"), Trainspotting ("sorely lacking in looking at trains"), or any other book where the title is not a literal representation of the body of the book. I mean, is there even Twilight in Twilight? I don't know, and please - don't tell me. All I'm saying is, this person needs to check themselves.

I guess I am feeling a bit protective, because what is not to love about an actual original apocalyptic/disaster situation merged with a bittersweet coming of age tale? This book reminded me a lot of Meg Rosoff's great YA novel, How I Live Now. Growing up is such a terrifying ordeal in itself, so maybe seeing disasters and world-changing events through the eyes of tweens & teens somehow makes for a more interesting story: It's just one more shitty thing happening to them.

5 very confused migrating birds out of 5.

Ready Player One

This is a book perfect for gaming nerds, and I really enjoyed it - despite being TOO nerdy for it. See, I never played the adventure, shoot 'em up, wizard & dragon games. My favorite computer game was Civilization. Yes - you could spend the game waging war and taking over the earth, which I suppose would be pretty badass. I say "suppose" because I always preferred to win using SCIENCE and become the first civilization to reach Alpha Centauri. I WAS SUCH A GODDAMNED NERD.

Anyway, I have friends now and I have kissed a boy, so it's fine. And my lack of experience with 80s arcade staples and dice-based adventures did not diminish my enjoyment of Ready Player One. It's set in a dystopian future where everyone spends most of their time plugged into a massive online role-playing game. When the eccentric, 80s-obssesed creator dies, he wills his vast fortune and control of the game to whoever can first solve a series of clues that will lead them to three challenges, three keys, and three gates.

My only complaint is a pretty literal deus ex machina that pops up near the end - but by that time you're already casting the inevitable movie version of the story* so I guess I'll allow it.

4 epic Rush guitar solos out of 5.

*Wade = Donald Glover , Art3mis = Lena Dunham, Sorrento = Willem Dafoe. Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that movie? Exactly.

Columbine

This is a great book, for which I can't really write a quick & cute review. For obvious reasons, I hope. Dave Cullen is quick to say that he's never called this the "definitive" book on what's arguably the most famous school shooting in American history, but I can't imagine any one will write another one that unpacks the tragedy so eloquently and in such a deeply-felt way. I had a really weird, pained expression on my face the entire time I was reading this, and I couldn't put it down. It's also a great read for anyone interested in how the media gets it wrong sometimes; with insights into the 24 hour news cycle, eyewitness testimony, the power of a martyr, and much more.

5 stars out of 5.

The Help and Mockingjay - a Books with Birds on the Covers Twofer

So you'd *think* that these books have nothing in common. One is the final book in a trilogy about an emo girl with badass archery skills fighting an evil government, the other is about...holy crap as I am writing this I realize it's about an emo girl with badass writing (interviewing?) skills fighting an evil social system. My system of pairing books together based on the animals on their covers WORKS.

Anyway, the battle against the evil social system that was segregation in Mississippi in the 1960s was definitely the more compelling of the two. The Hunger Games trilogy could not have ended on more of a whimper. One of the evil forces Katniss had to fight against was black goo. GOO. Goo doesn't have the villainous charisma of a pudgy bigoted socialite like Hilly Holbrook. Anyway, read the first two Hunger Games books, spare yourself the last one which is fighting goo but mostly just sitting around like a whiny B saying "Gale, Peeta, Gale, Peeta". Read Battle Royale instead - now *that* was a book about high school students fighting each other to the death!

Oh, just see the movies when they come out.

Mockingjay: 1 sad-sack emo angst-filled teenage inner monologue out of 5 (except really 5 out of 5 of those because that is all the book is! But also, it's terrible. So, 1 out of 5).

The Help: 3 WASPY bridge parties out of 5.