Stories I Only Tell My Friends

This man is not aging! Lowe, what is your secret? You did not reveal it in your autobiography, that's for sure. You did; however, include many stories that followed the celebrity conceal and reveal pattern: "and that boy grew up to be...Robert Downey Jr./Sarah Jessica Parker/Bill Clinton/Justin Bieber/Lady Gaga."

He kind of skimmed over the whole underage video sex thing but I'm sure we'll learn more about that when Kitty Kelley tackles The Brat Pack (Dear Lord, please make that book happen. Thanks, Jane). He did finally explain why he named his son Johnowen: he wanted John, his wife wanted Owen - by gum it's so simple!

Rob Lowe, I enjoyed your book. I look forward to your follow-up, which will surely detail your time on Parks & Recreation (is Adam Scott amazing? Of course he is, why am I even questioning it) and finally reveal what gives you that eternal youthful glow. It's stem cells, isn't it? I bet it's stem cells.

3.5 wild nights at Hard Rock Cafe with Emilio out of 5.

The Call

I love this book. Get it and read it. The end.

Oh, fine.

Exhibit A: Farm animals and rural vet stuff. I don't know about you, but I love to read about people who have jobs that I find simultaneously amazing and horrifyingly gross. I don't have it in me to reach into a goat and pull out her kid - but by God I want to read about it.

Exhibit B: A non-threatening spaceship. None of this Independence Day "Welcome to Urf" tentacles and world domination stuff - just pleasant blinking lights. Oh, it's not a spoiler, this isn't shelved in the sci-fi section, calm yourself.

Exhibit C: A contemporary fiction book that isn't all sad people doing sad things. A first-person, journal-style contemporary fiction book that isn't sad people doing sad things! Wonders never cease.

4.5 ruptured cow uteruses (uteri?) out of 5. Ick that's so violent. How about, 4.5 friendly spacemen out of 5. Much better.

Bedbugs

Oh man. If you know me (and you do because, let's face it, this blog ain't no Dooce), you know that when I see a mattress on the side of the road I give it a wiiiiiiide berth. In New York, in Boston, in any city where students are crammed into tiny apartments where they spend their days swapping fluids with anything that moves (or so the media has led me to believe), bed bugs have taken hold. Every year, the students flee, they deposit their urine (I *hope* that's urine?) stained mattresses on the streets, and the bed bugs flex their haunches and prepare to launch onto whomever is so foolish as to walk within 2-3 feet. ALSO they never die. ALSO they can live in books. BOOKS. Bedbugs, you wound me to my CORE!

To sum: This book is scary & gross. The characters are well-developed, and there are some great twists and turns. Also if you get bed bugs, we can no longer be friends. Sorry.

4 tiny spots of blood on your pillow out of 5. Huh. Weird...

UFOs

Oh. My. GOD. Let me just say that I believe everything I read, and am also easily frightened, so I should have not picked up this book. But I did, because I enjoy having thoughts like "Can't let my leg fall over the side of the bed because the ALIEN WILL GRAB IT!"

This book will tell you all about the hundreds of sightings by people who know the difference between the reflection of Venus/swamp gas/weather balloons/balloon boys, and actual crazy metal cigar-shaped light-up hyperfast hovering ALIEN SPACE CRAFT. Aiiieeeee they're here and they're going to probe us.

Does Obama know? Does FLOTUS know? Flotus save us! Dazzle the aliens with your sparkle converse and sick dance moves while Barack herds us into the secret bunkers under the Rocky Mountains!

4 tinfoil hats out of 5.

The Panic Hand

These stories - so great. So WEIRD. They zig and zag all over the place but you always end up somewhere awesome. The story "Friend's Best Man" won the World Fantasy Award and stars a dog that can predict the future. A magic dog! Look, I can't even go into all the details beyond the psychic dog, the story with God as a housekeeper, the imaginary friend who is alive...it's all good. Kelly Link and Aimee Bender owe some big debts to Carroll - if you enjoyed their short stories I would definitely pick this up if you can find a copy.

Friend's Best Man = 5 magic Jack Russell terriers out of 5.

The rest of the book = 3.5 raging World Fantasy Awards after-parties out of 5.

Oprah

Oprah A Biography by Kitty Kelley is heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere! A "friend" lent me this book in an effort to make me hate Oprah (I say "friend" because what kind of true friend would want you to hate Oprah?). BUT, here's my beef - yes, Oprah is a narcissist with delusions of grandeur (but she is kind of grand, so maybe it's not a delusion). HOWEVER, the stories that try to make you hate her are all like "I used to work for Oprah and, the nerve, she used to ask us what extravagant presents we wanted and then GIVE THEM TO US." What a narcissistic bitch. Oprah: Do you need a librarian? Call me. I'll organize all your back issues of O Magazine. I don't think it's weird that you're on the cover of every single one!*

This book could have used more Gayle & Stedman though. I think we all know that they're really the ones pulling the strings.

3 dates with Roger Ebert out of 5.

*Ok, it's a little weird.

The Help and Mockingjay - a Books with Birds on the Covers Twofer

So you'd *think* that these books have nothing in common. One is the final book in a trilogy about an emo girl with badass archery skills fighting an evil government, the other is about...holy crap as I am writing this I realize it's about an emo girl with badass writing (interviewing?) skills fighting an evil social system. My system of pairing books together based on the animals on their covers WORKS.

Anyway, the battle against the evil social system that was segregation in Mississippi in the 1960s was definitely the more compelling of the two. The Hunger Games trilogy could not have ended on more of a whimper. One of the evil forces Katniss had to fight against was black goo. GOO. Goo doesn't have the villainous charisma of a pudgy bigoted socialite like Hilly Holbrook. Anyway, read the first two Hunger Games books, spare yourself the last one which is fighting goo but mostly just sitting around like a whiny B saying "Gale, Peeta, Gale, Peeta". Read Battle Royale instead - now *that* was a book about high school students fighting each other to the death!

Oh, just see the movies when they come out.

Mockingjay: 1 sad-sack emo angst-filled teenage inner monologue out of 5 (except really 5 out of 5 of those because that is all the book is! But also, it's terrible. So, 1 out of 5).

The Help: 3 WASPY bridge parties out of 5.

A Dance with Dragons

Awwwwww yisss. I was 21 when A Feast for Crows came out, y'all. In a perfect world, I would have still been sleeping off my 21st birthday hangover when A Dance with Dragons was published. Instead I had to wait SIX GODDAMNED YEARS to figure out what the hell happened to Tyrion after he

*SPOILER ALERT*

Killed his own damn father with a crossbow to the gut. SIX YEARS of not knowing what kind of shit sandwich Jon Snow and Stannis were slapping together up on a wall of 700 motherfreaking feet of ICE. GODDAMN IT. SIX YEARS OF NO DRAGONS.

*Deep breath*

Ok, I'm over it. I respect the process. I realize this isn't so much a review as a nerdgasm word vomit rage cloud so let me throw out some key takeaways:

• You should probably start from the beginning and read Game of Thrones, immediately. THEN watch the HBO series. The HBO series is not a substitute for reading the first book. What is this, high school English?! Read first, enjoy Sean Bean later. Trust.
• This book has plenty of Tyrion being Tyrion, don't worry. I know, I told you not to watch the HBO show instead of reading, but all I see is Dinklage now when reading Tyrion's POV - and it's great. The world needs more Dinklage.
• The dragons have gone from adorable to scary - these are not your adorable neighborhood Pixar-like beasts. Plenty of face-melting going on.
• Daario is kind of annoying, no? Just me? I can't get behind a blue-haired sexy person - I am picturing him so emo. Maybe like a medieval Pete Wentz?
• The main point I took away from this part of the series is that being in charge kind of sucks. Undead foes can especially complicate things. Obama - take notes!
• If we have to wait 5+ years for the next book I will be very, very sad. If I can get knocked up, give birth, and have the kid potty-trained and talking before you write the next book - that's too long, George. That's not my plan, by the way - but the point still stands.
• If it doesn't have a map at the beginning, 25 pages of ridiculously complicated family trees at the end, and an entire WIKI to tide you over in between books; then, honey, it ain't an epic series.

4 deliciously armor-clad Sean Beans out of 5. FOR THOSE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS & SEEN THE SHOW THAT IS A CRAZY IRONIC SCORE.

Damn it, seriously - when is the next one coming out?

Thinner

Jenny Craig ain't got nothing on this jam. Forget counting calories, or points, or working out - ALL you have to do to fit into those skinny jeans is run over an old Gypsy lady with your car and wait for her pissed-off family to curse you.

Only Stephen King could make losing weight easily into a creepy story. His next book should be about someone getting a raise...they don't deserve! Nightmares-ville.

4 new belt notches out of 5.

Caribou Island and Friend of the Family - A Sad Suburban Twofer

First of all, why yes - these pictures are very different sizes. And it means nothing.

Moving on...two reviews in ONE. Both of these books deal with sad, suburban, middle-aged couples and their sad offspring. Alright one of those couples lives in remote Alaska, I guess that's not technically a suburb. But then where did Sarah Palin come from, I ask ye?!

Anyway, sad people, complicated relationships, before you know it there's a dead baby and someone is brandishing a bow and arrow like a crazy person! Blood everywhere! No caribous though! They're busy dealing with their own dysfunctional caribou family matters! I assume.

I don't know, you guys. Is there such thing as a happy suburban middle-aged family novel? Ugh that sounds boring. Although I hold my parents up as prime examples of that and once a bird flew out of our fireplace THROUGH a fire and my mom had to chase it around the living room. There's your next NY Times bestseller right there!

Neither of these books is bad, really, but I can't say I'd recommend either of them. Unless you are feeling too happy, or something - then go ahead.

2.5 loaded silences across a Pottery Barn dining room table out of 5.

The Keep

I don't know...at first it was all, "YES git dem Nazis!" because who doesn't smile at the thought of asshole Nazis being terrified by some supernatural beastie? I mean, I'm a pacifist but if SOMEONE has to get torn to shreds by an inhuman ghoul, yes, go ahead and make that person a Nazi.

But then there's some romance and some dueling and mystical foes and the whole thing started to feel pretty generic. Oh well, it awakened my blood-lust for killin' Nazis, I guess. That's like, step 1 in a 12-step program to becoming Indiana Jones' soulmate, right? And you know I am down with that.

2.5 severed Nazi limbs out of 5.

Bossypants

Do you want to know if your new lady acquaintance is a potential best friend? Ask her if she thinks she would be friends with Tina Fey, IRL.* If she responds with "Dude if Tina Fey knew me we'd totally be best friends!" then you know she is cool enough to maybe be your biff. Tina Fey: The New Litmus Test for Assessing Friendship Potential.

This book is so great. So great and funny. I especially enjoy the chapter on Tina's dad, Don Fey, who my grandfather would have probably wanted to be best friends with. SEE - it's genetic.

You know what's weird? I have a great for reals best friend and she kind of looks like Tina Fey. And she says Liz Lemon-y things like "I'm terrified that someone might be crying in the Starbucks I'm working in right now. ROBOT NO WANT EMOTION."

Life is great.

5 terrifying man arms out of 5.

*In Real Life. As opposed to fantasy life, where you are TF are already best friends who solve mysteries together and are heiresses to an ice cream fortune. And Amy Poehler is there too, naturally.

The Emperor of All Maladies

Remember in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold says "It's not a too-mah!"? This book is a point-by-point rebuttal of that statement proving that, most likely, it is a tumor.

You'll learn a lot, you'll cry, you will not laugh, you'll come face to face with your own mortality...

Be prepared to spend some time feeling for lumps and bumps after reading, is all I'm saying.

3.5 irregular moles out of 5.

Secret Historian

How do you not pick up a book subtitled "professor, tattoo artist, and sexual renegade"? I kind of want that on my tombstone (but I'll probably end up with "reader, eater of kettle corn, bad dancer").

Samuel Steward taught at a Catholic university, wrote gay pulp fiction, documented all of his sexual encounters, became a tattoo artist, and had "encounters" with Rock Hudson and Rudolph Valentino - AND MORE. And not in that order. His life was full of sadness and passion and craziness and sailor uniforms (so many sailor uniforms!). He had a tattoo of a winged penis on his shoulder. DUDE. Dude.

Do not read this book on public transportation, because you WILL get to the insert with the photos in the middle. Not safe for work or bus.

Samuel Steward aka Phil Sparrow aka Phil Andros - RIP. You crazy bitch.

4 gay sailors out of 5.

Life

I love Keith Richards. The man is basically a walking pickle, at this point. But that pickle has some great stories! I skipped some of the in-depth descriptions of chord progressions and musical arrangements - get to the scandals, Keef! Even the scandals were kind of sweet sounding when described in Keith's "aw shucks, I guess there was some heroin involved but man no one got hurt and, you know, it was the 70s, man" way.

4 bottles of Jack Daniels out of 5 - chased with a line of coke.

The Call of Cthulhu and Other Weird Stories

I love horror fiction (erm, as opposed to horror non-fiction? Like Glenn Beck books? Anyway...) but I have been derelict in my reading of the original "weird fiction" writer, HP Lovecraft. I knew as much about him as I knew about other famous HP's (HP Steak Sauce and HP Laptop That Always Overheats), so I decided to pick up this little collection. I enjoyed it - quaintly creepy (like Precious Moments figurines!) and with a lot of evocative descriptions of slimy drippy huge gross monstrous things.

Things to avoid in life, according to HP LC:
1. Musty odors. To survive in one of his stories, remember this helpful rule: If the odor is musty, your old timey bicycle best not be rusty! Because you should drive away thusly!
2. Odd geometry. If the structure be crazy, don't be lazy! Because you should get away, baby!
3. New England farmhouses. UNLESS you are antiquing. I have no rhyme for this. The rhymes were a mistake.

Three and a half extraneous "h"'s out of five.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

This story needed to be told, and Rebecca Skloot was absolutely up to the task. Henrietta Lacks died of cervical cancer decades ago, but her cells, taken without her knowledge or permission, have lived on in laboratories around the world ever since. Researchers have shot them into space and blown them up with nuclear bombs. Their production and sale has made millions of dollars, and caused billions of dollars in damage by contaminating other cell culture. Henrietta's family had no idea her cells lived on after her death - and Skloot expertly delves into the consequences of their finding out and the ethical issues that all human cell research presents.

I'm still donating my body to science, though. I'm definitely not getting into space any other way.

4 dividing cells out of 5 (so, 8 cells out of 10).

Hell House

Hey, let's go spend the week at this place called Hell House. Sure, it's called Hell House, but it's a really nice mansion and this old guy will pay us some money if we stay there for a week. Don't let the name Hell House freak you out! Haha, yeah the windows are all bricked up, that's weird. I think the last people who lived in HELL HOUSE were kind of eccentric. What's that? Murders? Insanity?

Oh yeah, maybe that happened...

...Hey, look how much air I can get jumping on these great feather beds! At HELL HOUSE! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

3 groping disembodied hands out of 5.

Naamah's Kiss

Jacqueline Carey writes sexy books about sexy people. Sometimes these people sleep with everyone but it's ok because they're part of a sexy religion and they have sexy gods. It's a big sex-positive party up in here. And there's a dragon in this one! This book is fun. It's about a girl whose bear god (not one of the sexy gods, unless you're into bears) sends her on a quest to find her destiny!!! that takes her all around the world. This is one of those books that has a map at the beginning. It's basically a map of our world, but everything has a different name (Britain = Alba, China = Chi'in...etc). Does that makes this an alternate history? Or alternate geography? Maybe the author just didn't want to draw a new map. I'm cool with it.

3 heaving bosoms out of 5.

The Wave

Two giant ships are lost every week in the ocean. As Casey points out, if 747s were disappearing at that rate there would be some considerable hubbub. I know what you're thinking: That's the price we pay for trespassing in the territory of the Great Kraken. Well, get ready to have your mind blown, because it's not giant squids bringing these ships down - it's waves. Water, dawg! And no one knows exactly what causes them or where they're going to appear. Oh, and just in case I haven't melted your brain yet, there are people out there trying to surf these 100+ foot tall monsters. Laird Hamilton, you crazy son of a bitch. This book is a non-stop adrenaline fueled thrill ride.

4 broken surfboards out of 5.

The Living Dead 2

Zombies are best enjoyed in short bursts. There's only so much gore and running and watching a loved one get bit that can happen before you get bored. When the real zombie apocalypse happens am I going to yawn and go back to bed? If guess I only have myself to blame for o.d.'ing on zombie fiction if so. Quality ghouls over quantity! Which is kind of funny when you're talking about zombies.

P.S. This collection does have the distinction of containing the most disgusting story I have ever read. It is about a zombie gigolo. It was entered into a disgusting story competition and did not win. I never want to read the story that did.

2 rotting limbs out of 5.

Mini Shopaholic

There comes a point in this book when the main character (the original shopaholic, now mother of the title "mini") has an inner monologue that goes like this "She's looking like me like I'm crazy. And maybe I am. But I have to keep doing this. I have to." But, you know what crazy lady? You don't. The crazy has ceased to be cute, or funny, or even the slightest bit relatable. In the first book, ok, who hasn't tried to hide their entire wardrobe by shoving it in vacuum bags and shoving it in a closet, only to have it explode everywhere? Uh, no, just me? Anyway - maybe it's the post-recession me, but Becky Bloomwood needs to get her act together. Maybe if there were consequences to her nutbar behavior beyond eye-rolls, she would, but in her reality everyone loves her anyway. Must be nice! Ugh. I'm shopaholic-ed out.

1.5 overdue credit card bills out of 5.

World Made By Hand

In a lot of post-apocalyptic novels, the world ends in a ridiculous explosion of explosions and vampires and zombies and vampire zombies and then the narrative is about the normal people left over trying to fight off zombie vampire explosions. This quiet book takes a different tack, imagining a world that, ok, ended in a couple of big explosions and then just slowly churned on. Basically everyone is forced to become Amish, except people still fight back when they get ice cream cones shoved in their faces.

I liked this book but I wished for a bit more drama. Also the food descriptions got a little pornographic. I guess when there's no electricity you embrace the simple pleasures but I got a little tired of reading about creamed chicken stew and pullet eggs.

An enjoyable but forgetful 2.5 handmade beeswax candles out of 5.

Ravens

Airport book. About a 2 hour flight long. Definitely requires the old imagination to stretttttch a bit at times, but I kept turning those pages. The basic premise is a dysfunctional family in a small town wins the mega mega mega millions, and some drifters (or grifters? I wouldn't want to paint all drifters with the same brush, I'm sure there are nice ones out there) get wind of it and one of them decides to "encourage" the family to split their winnings with him. The problem with having a psychopath as one of your main characters is that the reader has to deal with pages of crazy ramblings. They get old. Still, some authors can handle it better than others, and this guy was able to edge things closer to the Stephen King end of the scale, as opposed to the Dean Koontz end.

3 psycho rambling monologues about God and destiny and evil out of 5.

Dexter by Design

Oh, book Dexter. You are so similar too, yet crucially different from TV Dexter. I like you both, I do, but I have to tell you that TV Dexter is much more likeable. And he has better plot-lines. AND he doesn't pun nearly as much as you do. So I'm leaving you, book Dexter. While you've been a nice piece on the side between seasons, I feel it's dishonest to continue to half-heartedly read you while picturing Michael C. Hall. For what it's worth, I do really prefer your plot-line for Lt. Doakes. Good luck in the future. Please don't call.

2.5 bloody knives out of 5.

Stories: All New Tales

An adorable sea monster on the cover? Love at first sight. The stories were a mixed bag - some were great, others forgettable, others skipped. Some of the highlights were Kurt Andersen's Human Intelligence, which had the great image of an alien base hidden under the arctic ice; Carolyn Parkhurst's Unwell, which features a not-so-nice little old lady; and Neil Gaiman's story about crime and punishment in "The Black Mountains."

3 adorable sea monsters out of five.