The Shining Girls

On the surface, this book had many things that I love: A psychopath. Time travel. A May-December romance (Harrison Ford I still love you bb). Sophisticated 1920s era lesbians. Etc, etc.

And...yet. The sum is less than its parts. I've read some of Beukes' previous novels, and she certainly has a real knack for imaginative plot devices and world-building. In this story of one man sowing murder and madness through the decades via a time-portal in an old house, I wasn't bothered by the fact that the hows and whys of the time travel wasn't explained. The creaky old house with the boarded up windows, full of treasures the killer has stolen from his "shining girls," was creepy and evocative enough for me - I didn't need that bogged down with a "scientific" explanation of how the villain skipped through the years and found his victims. But what I can't excuse is the lack of motive, or really any depth of characterization, in his character. He's barely more than a sketch - and as a result a lot of what he does feels completely random. Is he a drunk? Was he abused? Just insane? A misogynist? An opportunist? What the hell is his story, and why do I care?

The heroine, Kirby, is slightly more fleshed out. However, I still didn't find her very compelling. Also I hate the name Kirby. Sorry, Kirby. Her boss/mentor/love interest was equally mild. I kept picturing him in those sad dad sweaters, which didn't help (You know: a chunky textured knit, maybe in a forest green. The sweater equivalent of that 'wommp wommp' sound).

Funnily enough, the characters that stood out the most to me were the "shining girls" that are stalked and murdered in short interstitial chapters. From different eras, with different struggles - in those concise sections their lives are richly imagined. The killer is drawn to them because of their potential, which seems to "shine" from them - and the writing certainly reflects this. Too bad the rest of the book had to suffer.

2 unlicensed haruspices* out of 5.

*Look it up, dummy.

The Lies of Locke Lamora

You know those tumblrs that are mash-ups of Game of Thrones with lines from other TV shows? Arrested Westeros is obviously the best. Others are somehow less than the sum of their parts. This book is like if someone made an amazing Game of Thrones x Ocean's 11 tumblr (A Song of Heist & Fire? That's a freebie; go for it), but, surprise! the tumblr is actually a great fantasy novel with a terrible cover. As you can see.

But inside! You got your lovable band of con-men tricksters, your mysterious villains, your sexy shark-fighting ladies, your sky-high towers made of alien glass, and capers oh so many capers and cons and heists. It's so fun. It should be made into a movie, or, better yet, an HBO miniseries (so hot right now) so we can all spend more time with Locke Lamora and his lovable cabal of mischievous orphan tricksters, The Gentlemen Bastards. That last part sounds pretty cheesy but I promise you, no one breaks into song, and Scott Lynch throws in plenty of swear words and blood & guts.

The world-building is fantastic, just enough detail without overwhelming. I almost wished I knew more about the setting, a Venice-like city called Camorr full of alchemical gardens & floating markets. They have cinnamon lemons there - how good would cinnamon lemonade be? Hey, if there's a nerd out there reading this, please throw a Gentlemen Bastards party with themed food and invite me (I'm nerdy enough to attend, but not host, such gatherings).

Lynch also borrows from the George R.R. Martin school of fuckery and "things that cause readers to yell at your book" at a few points. A great book giveth, and a great book taketh away.

5 cool, refreshing glasses of nerd-brewed cinnamon lemonade out of 5.

SPEED REVIEWS: Kitchen, Sharp Objects, Red Rain, Dare Me, and One Day

Yes, I'm still reading. I read with my coffee in the morning, I read on the train to work, I (attempt to) read while eating sloppy sandwiches from the food truck by work for lunch, and I read before I go to bed - more than once I have read up to the point where I fall asleep and the book falls and hits me in the nose. Yeah - I'm *pretty* cool.

But I've been silent because I haven't read anything amazing/terrible enough to muster up more than a few sentences about. So - drumroll - REVIEW SPEED ROUND!



Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto: Woah, woah, woah - you're telling me someone named Banana wrote a book described as "whimsical" and "quirky" by reviewers? Wonders never cease. I can't help but think that something was lost in translation with this one. But I did get my daily dose of potassium while reading it! BANANA JOKE. Bet she's never heard that one before. 2 terrible fruit puns out of 5.



Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn: I love me some G.Flynn. She's like Law & Order: SVU crossed with a Tana French novel. Dark & twisted and with something to say, but with a dash of tabloid flavor. Also Ice T is a minor character.* The only thing I'll say about this one is that the big reveal was pretty obvious if you've seen enough episodes of the aforementioned L&O series. Hey, we've come full circle! 3.5 cameos by Coco-T out of 5.



Red Rain by R.L. Stine: This. Book. Was. Awful. When I complained to my friend Lauren her response was "R.L. Stine isn't a talented author?!" - touché. Horror writers who actually write books (good ones!) for adults gave this good reviews/blurbs on the cover, so I was suckered in. Maybe Stine used the profits from Say Cheese and Die! to buy the good press? This is the worst book I've read in awhile but I can only write so many words about how it's about freaking ancient Irish zombie children who want to "rule the school" and burn people with laser heat eyes. There, I spoiled it for you. You're welcome. 0 uncomfortable sex scenes written by an old dude who used to write children's books out of 5.**



Dare Me by Megan Abbott: I enjoyed this one. It's about cheerleaders and the weird cults of personality that develop so easily in high school. Normally I would have filed this under the sad suburbia label and ignored it, but the cheerleading angle prompted me to give it a second look. Definitely disturbing though - this ain't Bring it On, bitch. 3.5 flawless back tucks out of 5.



One Day by David Nicholls: This book is very...British. I recently saw this Bestie x Bestie on "What's Wrong with Books?" and Jenny Slate's monologue kept coming to mind as I was ping-ponging between Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew. Even their names - so British! They dance around each other for 20 years and we get to check in on them on the same day every year. A bit gimmicky. Just read a frickin' Dilbert and go to sleep! Sing it, Jenny. Also they made this into a movie with Anne Hathaway; I'm not a Hathahater but picturing her in my head as a "plump, bespectacled frumpy English maid with dreams of being a writer" probably did NOT help me enjoy the book. 2 St.Swithin's day scones out of 5.

So that's what I've been up to, pals. Thankfully I am now reading the new Jon Ronson and it's wonderful and making me think & feel and laugh. There are no laser eyes. I can't wait to tell you about it. Stay tuned!

*False. But can you imagine?! *Opens notebook, furiously starts scribbling. You look over - it's just gibberish.*

**Warning: it actually does contain one such sex scene. The girl's skin is described as "creamy white" several times. My childhood is ruined.