The Help and Mockingjay - a Books with Birds on the Covers Twofer

So you'd *think* that these books have nothing in common. One is the final book in a trilogy about an emo girl with badass archery skills fighting an evil government, the other is about...holy crap as I am writing this I realize it's about an emo girl with badass writing (interviewing?) skills fighting an evil social system. My system of pairing books together based on the animals on their covers WORKS.

Anyway, the battle against the evil social system that was segregation in Mississippi in the 1960s was definitely the more compelling of the two. The Hunger Games trilogy could not have ended on more of a whimper. One of the evil forces Katniss had to fight against was black goo. GOO. Goo doesn't have the villainous charisma of a pudgy bigoted socialite like Hilly Holbrook. Anyway, read the first two Hunger Games books, spare yourself the last one which is fighting goo but mostly just sitting around like a whiny B saying "Gale, Peeta, Gale, Peeta". Read Battle Royale instead - now *that* was a book about high school students fighting each other to the death!

Oh, just see the movies when they come out.

Mockingjay: 1 sad-sack emo angst-filled teenage inner monologue out of 5 (except really 5 out of 5 of those because that is all the book is! But also, it's terrible. So, 1 out of 5).

The Help: 3 WASPY bridge parties out of 5.

A Dance with Dragons

Awwwwww yisss. I was 21 when A Feast for Crows came out, y'all. In a perfect world, I would have still been sleeping off my 21st birthday hangover when A Dance with Dragons was published. Instead I had to wait SIX GODDAMNED YEARS to figure out what the hell happened to Tyrion after he

*SPOILER ALERT*

Killed his own damn father with a crossbow to the gut. SIX YEARS of not knowing what kind of shit sandwich Jon Snow and Stannis were slapping together up on a wall of 700 motherfreaking feet of ICE. GODDAMN IT. SIX YEARS OF NO DRAGONS.

*Deep breath*

Ok, I'm over it. I respect the process. I realize this isn't so much a review as a nerdgasm word vomit rage cloud so let me throw out some key takeaways:

• You should probably start from the beginning and read Game of Thrones, immediately. THEN watch the HBO series. The HBO series is not a substitute for reading the first book. What is this, high school English?! Read first, enjoy Sean Bean later. Trust.
• This book has plenty of Tyrion being Tyrion, don't worry. I know, I told you not to watch the HBO show instead of reading, but all I see is Dinklage now when reading Tyrion's POV - and it's great. The world needs more Dinklage.
• The dragons have gone from adorable to scary - these are not your adorable neighborhood Pixar-like beasts. Plenty of face-melting going on.
• Daario is kind of annoying, no? Just me? I can't get behind a blue-haired sexy person - I am picturing him so emo. Maybe like a medieval Pete Wentz?
• The main point I took away from this part of the series is that being in charge kind of sucks. Undead foes can especially complicate things. Obama - take notes!
• If we have to wait 5+ years for the next book I will be very, very sad. If I can get knocked up, give birth, and have the kid potty-trained and talking before you write the next book - that's too long, George. That's not my plan, by the way - but the point still stands.
• If it doesn't have a map at the beginning, 25 pages of ridiculously complicated family trees at the end, and an entire WIKI to tide you over in between books; then, honey, it ain't an epic series.

4 deliciously armor-clad Sean Beans out of 5. FOR THOSE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS & SEEN THE SHOW THAT IS A CRAZY IRONIC SCORE.

Damn it, seriously - when is the next one coming out?

Thinner

Jenny Craig ain't got nothing on this jam. Forget counting calories, or points, or working out - ALL you have to do to fit into those skinny jeans is run over an old Gypsy lady with your car and wait for her pissed-off family to curse you.

Only Stephen King could make losing weight easily into a creepy story. His next book should be about someone getting a raise...they don't deserve! Nightmares-ville.

4 new belt notches out of 5.

Caribou Island and Friend of the Family - A Sad Suburban Twofer

First of all, why yes - these pictures are very different sizes. And it means nothing.

Moving on...two reviews in ONE. Both of these books deal with sad, suburban, middle-aged couples and their sad offspring. Alright one of those couples lives in remote Alaska, I guess that's not technically a suburb. But then where did Sarah Palin come from, I ask ye?!

Anyway, sad people, complicated relationships, before you know it there's a dead baby and someone is brandishing a bow and arrow like a crazy person! Blood everywhere! No caribous though! They're busy dealing with their own dysfunctional caribou family matters! I assume.

I don't know, you guys. Is there such thing as a happy suburban middle-aged family novel? Ugh that sounds boring. Although I hold my parents up as prime examples of that and once a bird flew out of our fireplace THROUGH a fire and my mom had to chase it around the living room. There's your next NY Times bestseller right there!

Neither of these books is bad, really, but I can't say I'd recommend either of them. Unless you are feeling too happy, or something - then go ahead.

2.5 loaded silences across a Pottery Barn dining room table out of 5.

The Keep

I don't know...at first it was all, "YES git dem Nazis!" because who doesn't smile at the thought of asshole Nazis being terrified by some supernatural beastie? I mean, I'm a pacifist but if SOMEONE has to get torn to shreds by an inhuman ghoul, yes, go ahead and make that person a Nazi.

But then there's some romance and some dueling and mystical foes and the whole thing started to feel pretty generic. Oh well, it awakened my blood-lust for killin' Nazis, I guess. That's like, step 1 in a 12-step program to becoming Indiana Jones' soulmate, right? And you know I am down with that.

2.5 severed Nazi limbs out of 5.

Bossypants

Do you want to know if your new lady acquaintance is a potential best friend? Ask her if she thinks she would be friends with Tina Fey, IRL.* If she responds with "Dude if Tina Fey knew me we'd totally be best friends!" then you know she is cool enough to maybe be your biff. Tina Fey: The New Litmus Test for Assessing Friendship Potential.

This book is so great. So great and funny. I especially enjoy the chapter on Tina's dad, Don Fey, who my grandfather would have probably wanted to be best friends with. SEE - it's genetic.

You know what's weird? I have a great for reals best friend and she kind of looks like Tina Fey. And she says Liz Lemon-y things like "I'm terrified that someone might be crying in the Starbucks I'm working in right now. ROBOT NO WANT EMOTION."

Life is great.

5 terrifying man arms out of 5.

*In Real Life. As opposed to fantasy life, where you are TF are already best friends who solve mysteries together and are heiresses to an ice cream fortune. And Amy Poehler is there too, naturally.

The Emperor of All Maladies

Remember in Kindergarten Cop where Arnold says "It's not a too-mah!"? This book is a point-by-point rebuttal of that statement proving that, most likely, it is a tumor.

You'll learn a lot, you'll cry, you will not laugh, you'll come face to face with your own mortality...

Be prepared to spend some time feeling for lumps and bumps after reading, is all I'm saying.

3.5 irregular moles out of 5.