We Interrupt These Book Reviews for a Mildly Interesting Announcement

Hi, friends. 2014 is the year of baring my SOUL to the internet, I guess, so I am now bringing you unfettered access to my reading life. I only share a fraction of the books I read every year on this blog, for various reasons - if I can't figure out how to sum up my feelings about a read, if I really don't have many feelings about a read, or, frankly, if I am embarrassed about a read, it doesn't end up on the blog.

But I do keep track of everything, because I'm a nerd and spreadsheets are my friends. So, if you want to see what I'm reading about that doesn't get featured, you can now follow along: Jane's Book Tracker. It's organized by year, so hit the tab(s) at the bottom to navigate.

New reviews coming soon.

An Analysis of the Books I Read in 2013 aka Nerd Alert VI

Books read: 63

• Average # of books read/month: 5.25
• Non-fiction: 12 (19%)
• Fiction:  51 (81%)
• YA Fiction: 4 (6%)
• Books by male authors: 35 (55%)
• Books by female authors: 27 (43%)
• Disliked (0-2 out of 5): 14 (22%)
• Ambivalent about/sort of liked (2.5-3 out of 5): 13 (20%)
• Actively enjoyed (3.5-5 out of 5): 36 (57%)
• Re-reads: 5

By Genre:

• Sci-Fi/Fantasy: 10
• Apocalyptic/Post-Apocalypse/Dystopia: 7
• Horror: 9
• Graphic novels: 3
• Mystery/Thriller: 8
• Poetry: 0
• Historical Fiction: 0
• Western: 1
• Short story collections/Anthologies: 4
• Contemporary fiction: 2
• Politics: 0
• Science/Medical: 1
• History: 0
• Humor: 2
• True Crime: 0
• Religion: 0
• Psychology: 0
• Biography/Autobiography/Memoir: 4
• Classics: 0
• Romance/Shitty Erotica: 2

Books that got a Perfect Score:

• Them by Jon Ronson
• The Age of Miracles by Karen Walker Thompson
• Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry
• As I Am by Patricia Neal
• The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch

Compared to 2012:

• 5 more books read than last year! Aiming for at least 70 in 2014. What else am I going to do, have a baby?! LAY OFF, MOM! 
• I read way less non-fiction this year, but the true stories I did pick up I really enjoyed. Quality over quantity? 
• I read twice as much YA fiction - which truthfully makes less & less sense as a category these days. I've read YA stories that were much more sophisticated than the average novel "for adults," and plenty of contemporary novels explore the rich themes of adolescence. Basically, what I'm saying is: don't label me, man! I reject your box! Fight the patriarchy & save the whales. 
• I disliked way more books - womp womp. But I had a lot of 5s & 4.5s as well, many of them unexpected. What surprised me this year was how much I didn't like some books that got rave reviews & hype, like The Shining Girls & Divergent. Can't everybody just love the books that I love? Where is the three-movie adaptation of Lonesome Dove starring Jennifer Lawrence as Lorena and Zac Efron as Jake Spoon?* 
• I re-read a ton of books this year. I turned 30 and sought out the comforts of my past. And/or I was just a little lazy. 
• This is truly a year befitting of a nerd alert: I mostly read genre fiction. If you don't have a dragon, I'm not interested. Fun fact: that was also my pick-up line in college. HEY-OH!

Notes & Superlatives:

• Repeated authors: Jon Ronson, Scott Lynch, Michael Crichton, Leigh Bardugo, Stephen King. Should Stephen King just get some sort of Repeated Author Emeritus status so I don't have to keep repeating him? Michael Crichton's were all re-reads, because I saw Jurassic Park when it came back into theaters and DINOSAURS. 
• Authors I discovered this year and will be checking out further: Scott Lynch**, Leigh Bardugo, Kate Atkinson, Adam Johnston, & Robert Sheckley. I got my eyes on you, people! Don't disappoint me. Well, Sheckley is dead...but the rest of you - PRODUCE.
• Favorite book of 2013 (Fiction): Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry. A beautiful & epic doorstop of a novel. Someone please make me a t-shirt that says "Gus McCrae is my Homeboy" so I can honor this wonderful masterwork the only way my generation knows how: a pre-shrunk poly-cotton blend. Very close runner-up would be The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnston. If Lonesome Dove is the Great American Novel, we can call it the Great North Korean Novel (Dear Leader may object, but tough beans).
• Favorite book of 2013 (Non-Fiction): Them by Jon Ronson. Jon Ronson could write about the history of the loom*** and it would be fascinating, so it's no surprise he wrote an interesting book about people who think the world is run by disguised lizard people, among other oddballs. 
• Least Favorite book of 2013: R.L. Stine, let's go back to Fear Street, far far away from the laughable evil ghost Irish laser-eyed children of Red Rain. The sex scenes you wrote in this, your first and hopefully last book for adults, were deeply uncomfortable. I truly hated this book, the recipient of the sole 0 rating I gave all year. Let us never speak of it again.
• Most Fun Book of 2013: The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch. Capers! Cons! Derring-do! SO much derring done. This book has everything: hybrid fruits, sexy shark fighters, and false mustaches.  Everything. 
• Author I read in 2013 that I Most Want to Hang Out With: Patricia Neal, please come back to life and call me up. We can dish about G. Coops and that asshole Roald Dahl, and we can drink dry martinis and you can tell me funny stories about your early days in theatre (pronounced "the-ah-TUH," naturally). You are a delight.
• Saddest book of 2013: Wave, by Sonali Deraniyagala. The kind of sad story that is almost unfathomable to process. Kiss your loved ones right this minute. Honorable mention goes to the story "Last Contact" by Stephen Baxter, because it came out of nowhere and floored me with the feels. 
• Scariest book of 2013: None of the myriad horror books I read or re-read this year really creeped me out. And TWO of them involved torturing/murdering little kids! What's wrong with me? I'm on a list somewhere, aren't I? Anyway, instead of those logical choices, the story I keep coming back to is "Law of Survival," by Nancy Kress. There was something so deeply unsettling about her tale of mysterious, unknowable alien invaders and their demands of the protagonist and her charges. Aliens, dude. I want to believe...but I don't, you know? 

I am about to embark on a trip that involves roughly 50 hours of plane travel, so I will do my best to tear away from the in-flight entertainment (they have ALL of the Toy Story movies on demand! I am a child) and chomp into the first books I have queued up for 2014. Every year I write this wrap-up and I remember the experiences I had reading and it's amazing how rich they are - I remember discussions I had about the books, feelings & memories they brought up, ideas they sparked, and even where I was and what was happening in my life when I read certain passages. I truly cannot imagine a life without reading, and I can honestly say that people who get by without it puzzle and confound me. So here's hoping for dozens of indelible experiences in 2014, each one a signpost helping to fix a fleeting moment. Take a look, it's in a book. Seriously. It's ALL IN A BOOK, PEOPLE. ALL OF IT. 

Cheers & luvs. 

*This would make a billion dollars! Why is no one making this? 

**I love you, Locke Lamora. Oh my god: another character to be played by Zac Efron! I have mentioned Zac Efron too much, haven't I? Noted.

***Don't worry, I looked it up and I am now aware that the history of the loom is actually mildly interesting. Stop writing your angry emails. 

Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage.

If you call Twitter "The Twitter" unironically, you probably have no idea who Rob Delaney is.* If you tweet, or have loved ones who do, you have probably read, retweeted, faved, hugged, molested, laser cut, or put into escrow one of his hilarious tweets.**

He was in especially fine form during the 2012 elections, when he tormented Mitt Romney incessantly. Glory days! That's when I started following him, and he's proven to be a delicious creamy middle between the depressing low of real-life news twitter accounts (I've never been more informed or horrified) and the uncomfortable yet oddly hilarious highs of super absurd weird twitter. He's funny, and weird, don't get me wrong - but he also feels like a real person you could have over for dinner without fearing for your life/sanity.

If I like something I generally like more of that same thing (I currently have a 3.5lb bag of sour patch kids in my kitchen), so, surprise, I loved the book. It's basically a memoir, and Delaney has had some epic misadventures. Almost dying via acts of youthful stupidity is a common theme, and provides a nice counter-point to the more serious but no less compelling stories about his struggles with mental illness and his alcoholism.

Also,  I can honestly say I have never before laughed out loud at a story involving a drowned baby. So, there's that.

4 unflattering green speedos out of 5.

*And if you call it "The Twitter" ironically, you are the worst. 

**I've told my mom these are all things you can do to tweets. Sometimes I like to confuse her. "Honey, how do I hug one of your tweets?" I'm a bad person, she is lovely. 

SPEED ROUND: Dawn, The Nao of Brown, No Proper Lady, N0S4A2, The Shining, and The Collector

I'm still here! Don't you. Forget about me. Don't don't don't don't. Stuff your stockings with these lil' reviews.

Dawn by Octavia Butler. Original and thoughtful - if you enjoy your sci-fi devoid of laser guns, you might like it. In many ways it's a meditation on what makes us human. Is it our minds? Our genes? The presence of other humans? Also includes some freaky-deaky alien/human sex-like stuff, if that's your thing...yeah, we've ALL seen your browsing history! J'accuse! 3 gropey tentacles out of 5.

 

The Nao of Brown by Glyn Dillon. Another thoughtful one - a graphic novel focused on a young woman named Nao as she struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and explores her Buddhist faith. It's so easy to rip through graphic novels in one sitting; this one made me slow down a bit. The artwork is gorgeous as well. 4 existential appliances out of 5.

No Proper Lady by Isabel Cooper. Thank you, beloved e-reader, for allowing me to read this without sharing that mortifying cover art to the world. Because girl needs a new tattoo artist and a better weave, mmakay? This one is fun, though slightly disorienting - you're about three sentences in before demons! Time travel! Spells! Just roll with it. It's basically the plot of Terminator but with more sexyness (I know, how is that even possible?! And yet). 3 terrible boardwalk henna tattoos out of 5.

N0S4A2 by Joe Hill. Vampires not included. But that's okay - I didn't enjoy this as much as Hill's other works but the creep factor was still out of control. No blood suckers needed. I felt it lost a little momentum, and could have used some editing; especially around the third act. But you will never look at Christmas or vintage gas masks the same way again. Joe Hill, must you creepify everything I hold dear?! 3 vanity license plates guaranteed to get you pulled over out of 5.

The Shining by Stephen King. Since I read Dr.Sleep I decided it was time for a re-read. What more is there to say about this gem - if you've only seen the movie you know NOTHING, Jon Snow. Not in any way my favorite King novel, but the ending especially is so different from Kubrick's film it's absolutely worth reading. Also you will FINALLY understand that creepy scene with the dude in the dog suit. Like his son (↑), King ruins so many wonderful things in his novels. Read this one if you want to be frightened of topiary animals and those concrete tube things at playgrounds. You should probably stay out of those tubes, anyway - you're a grown man, for God's sake! 4 drinks with Lloyd out of 5.

The Collector by John Fowles. If you only read one "Lady kidnapped and kept like a weird pet" novel this year....read another one! Probably Room by Emma Donoghue. This one is ostensibly a classic but it's so detailed and has all these meditations on class differences in Britain that go on, and on - you're the one who will end up feeling trapped! Ba-doom-pssh. 1.5 basement apartments out of 5.






More new reviews coming soon! Won't you buy someone a book this holiday season, and give a librarian their wings? That's right - we can fly. Deal with it. 

Wool

Much like its namesake fabric, I overall think Wool is pretty great. It's got a kick-ass/take names female protagonist. She is not a sexy teen, romantic angst is not her raison d'etre, and she is good with a wrench. Stoic Power Dream Girl? Howey's dystopia is richly imagined and gets more disturbing and claustrophobic with every detail. ALSO, there are a lot of stairs in the world of Wool, and I swear that just reading so much about people walking up & down them actually made my glutes *slightly* tighter (I want to believe!). There are tons of original ideas in the novel, and I felt like I was reading a new writer with a brain chock full o' fresh - Hallelujah.

But you know how it is - you get a cozy wool sweater, you bundle up in it, and halfway through the day the itching begins. This book definitely had a few itchy spots. Unfortunately, this is a book that's all about the plot and action and twists - and most of my issues were with said twists. So, through the MAGIC of contrasting colors, I present to you some secret text. If you've read the book, highlight below for my spoilery complaints:

[The kids in the second silo?! First of all, they were willing to murder Solo but then came along quietly when Juliette spoke sternly to them? Nope.

Why make Bernard into this grand evil character/super villain, and then deny us the pleasure of seeing him get his come-uppance? I know the twist at the end wouldn't work with the readers knowing it was Bernard and not Lukas, but that didn't play for me either - why would Bernard try to leave the blanket anyway? Was he committing suicide? It doesn't make sense that he would murder anyone who tried to interfere without a thought, but then just lose the will to live when caught & challenged.

Also, the romance. It felt pretty shoe-horned in. I'd have rather had Lukas be Juliette's estranged brother, or maybe a female friend she makes...the book didn't need a star-crossed lovers motif. I'm always incredulous when people fall in love, to the point of risking their lives for each other, via a couple deep conversations and lingering glances. My heart is made of stone and I like it that way - and yes, I think The Notebook is a bad movie. DEAL WITH IT.]

If you've haven't read the book, should you? I'm leaning toward yes - I'll be picking up the next in the series and hoping that Howey keeps getting better & better. I think the world he created is fascinating, and I'd love to see some novels set in it that focus more on the day-to-day of the inhabitants, and maybe the mysteries of their past, vs. political conspiracies & military action. The stage is set, he just needs the right play.

3 stairmasters set to EXTREME out of 5.

Divergent

I'm usually pretty good at suspending my disbelief. I'd rather be immersed in a different world and accept the fact that the rules are a lil' bendy, than read tomes filled with the details of a depressingly plausible life. There's a place on my bookshelf for Jonathan Franzen, but it's not my HAPPY place, you know?*

A dystopian tale though, now that is definitely my happy place (irony alert lulz). Divergent is set in a future Chicago, where the population is divided into five factions based on the values humanity has considered necessary for balance and order: Abnegation (they run the government...wouldn't that be nice?), Amity, Erudite, Candor, and Dauntless. I would have also included Lusty, Witty, and Goofy - but that's just me. Anyway, five factions, all with different tasks and duties, and kids get to pick their factions (and their futures) when they turn sixteen. The novel follows one girl, Beatrice, who chooses to leave her birth faction for the brave and thrill-seeking Dauntless. The COOL KIDS FUCK YEAH! They do mixed-martial arts and get tattoos and pierce their FACES. Do you even DAUNTLESS, BRO?

And here is where my belief, floating happily along, is rudely kicked in the nards. Poor guy never had a chance. Apparently, to get around future Chicago, the Dauntless run alongside moving trains and jump on them. When they want to get off, they jump off. *Record scratch*

Yes: their system of transportation is jumping on and off moving trains. Because they are brave. At this point my belief is writhing on the ground in agony, struggling with the following:

• During one of the first train-jumping scenes, someone dies. Does this happen often? At what point do they reconsider their everyday mode of transportation due to the fact that it's killing their troops? 
• Who is driving these trains? When they start up for the day, are people allowed to get on then? Or do they have to wait until the trains get up to full speed?
• The trains seem to run all around the city but then also into the country. Who designed these trains?! They seem to use them for training exercises/to move troops but then also they are just running all the time for people to jump on them whenever. Is there a schedule? Is there a plan?
• It's not like they are so brave, so lacking of daunt, that they have to do everything in the most extreme way possible, because obviously that would be ridiculous. They don't eat by shooting potato cannons into their face-holes, they don't get dressed by jumping into their outfits from the roof, and they don't have sex by loading their naked bodies into giant slingshots and trying to collide in mid-air at 90 mph (yes - I've been reading your diary. WEIRD, DUDE). They do many, many normal things in non-brave ways so WHY THE DEATH-DEFYING PUBLIC TRANSPORT?
• I KNOW YOU ARE BRAVE BUT YOU ARE LITERALLY JUMPING ON AND OFF RANDOM RUNAWAY DEATH TRAINS WITH GHOST PILOTS FOR NO REASON JUST TO GET MORE MILK OR VISIT YOUR GRANDMOTHER. 

And so I spent most of the book thinking about the above, unable to focus on Beatrice's angst, teen romance, or the intricacies of inter-faction politics. 

RIP to my belief. He was hit by a train. Never even saw it coming.

1.5 teeny tiny British conductors out 5.

*Sorry, Franzie. Maybe throw some dragons in your next book?

Doctor Sleep

It's hard for me to give an unbiased review of any Stephen King book. From the ages of 13-18 he was like my surrogate boyfriend*: staying up late with me, telling me all about things my parents definitely didn't want me to know about, and scaring the bejeesus out of me (that's how love works, right? Help meee). 

And after I went to college and started slutting around, literature-wise (how you doin', Sarah Waters? Looking good, Michael Chabon!), we stayed on great terms. I no longer needed to have his latest hot off of the presses, but when I did get to it I'd always feel a rush of nostalgia and hum a little Buck Owens. Best of all, it felt like we were maturing together! Lisey's Story & Full Dark, No Stars managed to become two of my favorites by him - still plenty of thrills & chills; no terrifying clown demons needed. 

And now, this! A sequel to The Shining. The SHINING you guys. Arguably his most famous novel, definitely one of his best - so dark and layered and ominous and if all you know is the movie, you gots to get on that mass market paperback train, yo. That movie is great but it might as well have been an Asylum joint called "The Gleaming," for how little it holds true to King's plot and vision. 

Have you read The Shining?

You've read it?

For sure - like, you know what happens with the...and then the...and you know that he doesn't....?

Okay, you may proceed.

So, Danny Torrance is all grown. He's a drunk and a drifter, haunted by both his father's addictions and the remnants of the Overlook's evil. His shining proves to have an upside, though, as he finds work at a hospice and discovers he can help soothe the patients as they die. Hence: Dr. Sleep. 

His story is told in tandem with that of a little girl born a few towns over, Abra, who has unusually strong shining abilities - unfortunately they're so powerful that they attract the attention of some shine-sucking immortal vampiric creatures who travel around the U.S. in RVs torturing similarly gifted little kids and slurping up their sweet shine-juice. Yup, these dudes are no good, and Danny and Abra are going to take. Them. Down! Shine Twins activate!

Here's where the bias comes in: is it a little goofy? Yes. Is it scary? Not especially, though there are definitely some uneasy passages (Stephen King why do you keep trying to ruin bathtubs/indoor plumbing for me?!).

Did I love it? OF COURSE I DID. I'm no longer a young, bookish loner who needs paperbacks to get her heartbeat racing. I'm an old, bookish loner who can watch Breaking Bad whenever she needs to feel alive again. I'm okay with a book by an old friend (Stevie!) that brings back another old friend (Danny!), and lets him fight crime with a cute, precocious teen. I've gone soft, and that's cool.** Stephen King has, too, apparently....for now.

BIASED REVIEW: Stephen King Stephen Kings out of Stephen King. 

UNBIASED REVIEW: 3 goofball Mystery-style velvet top-hats out of 5.

*so much hotter than having an ACTUAL boyfriend, you guys

**I even teared up a the end...you know the part with ___? Where he helped him by ___? And it was like aaahhhhh of course!!!??? And then he looks back? Yeah that part. *Sniff*